I had a moment around last week or so. I don't know how it happened, but I forgot to give my son his medication before he went to school. This has happened a couple of times and each time, it proves to me that he needs these two little pills each and every morning. He is so blessed to have such a wonderful teacher. Where she finds all her patience baffles me because she surely has her hands full with her class of first graders.
I received a call from her around noon one day. "Her Boy" was being a pistol in class. He refused to do any of his work and was just being an all around PITA (pain in the ...uh...butt. She didn't say this, I did.). She asked him if he took his medicine and he "thought so but wasn't sure". I immediately went to his daily medication holder and there sat that days medication. Crap. I told her to have him ready and I would come get him. See, he simply can't handle the pressure of the classroom without those stupid pills. I told her from day one that if he wasn't medicated, her life would end up being miserable and I'm not going to have her focusing 150% on him when she has other students she has to teach also.
I went to the school to pick him up and I just love that kid. He has a twinkle in his eye and is just full of spit and vinegar. We ran a couple of errands while I was out and everything seemed to be okay. We got home and I had picked him up some lunch (this would be his second lunch). He had to finish his work from class that day that he refused to do during class time. I told him he was not going to do anything until that sheet (front AND back) was done.
Me and Jesus got alot closer, Internets.
It was quite a few problems, both math and language, that had to be done on that sheet of paper. It took us two and a half hours to finish that paper. I am totally serious. I was flustered, hot, worn out, and sad by the time we finally finished every single problem. There was a few places that required coloring with crayons. That didn't happen.
After we finished, I let The Boy do a fun thing or two. It wasn't his fault he didn't take his medication. He wasn't being "bad" in class...just hard to handle. I emailed his teacher to let her know that the sheet was done and how long it took to finish it. I also told her that I could not apologize enough to both her and myself over him being unmedicated. I finished with a promise to tape his medicine to my forehead at night so we would remember each morning.
This makes me so dang sad. I've been so positive over him having to take medication and how wonderful it's been for him. And it has. Truly. I don't want my son to come back and read my writings and think of how sad his Mama is over his having ADHD with high impulsivity. Because, for the most part, I'm not.
Then I have those moments. Those moments where I wish I could take it from him...for him. Those moments when I'm sad because I wonder if he will have to take medication the rest of his life just to function in society and find peace of mind. I have moments where I see him medicated and unmedicated and I see two different little people in front of me. Unmedicated boy is wide open and rough and tumble. His eyes seem to sparkle just a little brighter and his sense of humor will have you rolling. Unmedicated boy also is hyper to the point where there are times I fear his little heart will come right out of his chest. Unmedicated boy can't focus and gets frustrated easily and loses control. Then there's medicated little boy. He's a little more serious and not as quick to laugh. Medicated boy shows amazing intelligence that keeps us speechless. Medicated boy sleeps at night. (That night he missed his medication? He might have slept an hour or two...at most. It was miserable all around.) Medicated boy can stop and control his actions.
I want to tell him I'm sorry lots of times. I want to beg him to forgive me and his Dad for passing this genetic trick to him. But....if I do that? Then I'm apologizing for him and who and what he is. That is so unacceptable. Because, along with his sisters, he keeps my heart beating on a regular basis. I don't want to change what makes him the amazing person that he is and is becoming.
I may have one of those moments here and there, but ultimately, I get past them. His issues aren't what I would have wished for my child, or any child for that matter. God had a reason for giving this precious little boy to me and our family. I am so grateful that He did. So, I had a moment. That's how long it lasted...a moment.