Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Duct Tape

Not a girly thing to write about, is it?

Duct tape is an interesting invention for sure. The many uses you employ with this are outstanding for sure.

scenario: We (we being the family) are sitting on the huge front porch my parents decided to have built when they got more than 3 granchildren. Adults are rocking in the big rocking chairs courtesy of Cracker Barrel and the kiddies are puttering around on little ride toys. The men are smoking one of their allotted cigars. I believe they smoke around 3 apiece per year. Somehow the subject of duct tape comes up and my husband a superior voice.... says that duct tape has been tested at the depths of the ocean. My dad looks at him...blows out a puff of smoke and replies, "Oh yeah? And what depth would that be?". My husband then does that smug smile and says that he isn't allowed to say...classified information, you know. Now imagine my eye rolling at this point. Just what I need to know. The sub springs a leak and they got duct tape. Great. Hear that Russia? The secret is duct tape.

In my first marriage I did not allow duct tape in my house. My ex had this love affair with the stuff and if he had his way, we would have never been able to let Jeff Foxworthy come visit. Not that he ever would anyway, but I like to be prepared. I can just see him on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour ..."You might be a redneck or live at Hope's house if....."

Now? I have my own love affair with the stuff. I had to find out on my own just how good it is. My son is a genius at getting into stuff and I discovered that a piece on the fridge door would keep him out. Until he learned to peel it off. Then I walked in the other day and my kitchen looked like someone on crack had gotten hold of a roll of the stuff. It was holding my dishwasher closed. My cabinets. My fridge again. The oven door. I calmly asked Paige what was the deal and she replied that she was tired of getting him out of those places and desperate times call for desperate measures. I didn't argue with her. I even contemplated the idea of using it on the toilet. Then I reconsidered because when you gotta gotta go. No time to de-duct tape at all. Especially with the viruses going on around here.

So I may not know at what depths duct tape will hold a submarine together, but I do know that I can get a piece of sanity back for a few minutes...until I need to get into an appliance.

You might be a redneck or you live at Hope's house........

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

What Madness is This?

I fight sickness all last week with all three kids. I make it through the weekend and basically get them well again.

I wake up this morning and I have that stupid blankety blank blank blank stomach virus my sis in law had Friday. How fair is that I ask you!

Guess who wasn't sick? Oh yeah, that boy took full advantage of his mom until sis in law called and found out I was sick and came to get him right away. (I love her).

Good thing this is only a 24 hour kind of deal. I'll drop a few pounds, get swimmy headed until tomorrow morning sometime. I'm blonde a little dizziness can't hurt. Right?

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Mission Accomplished

And what a mission it was. We arrived at SuperWalmart at 2:40 a.m. with cappucinos in tow. The rookie had been briefed and was all excited to take part. I found my LF in electronics and we chatted for a few and got the game plan set. We all separated to go take up our stations. Well, I kinda took the long way around. I picked up a few things I needed and ambled back to speak to LF again. She's our general and she was upset that I wasn't at my battle station. I blew her off.

All I gotta say is Thank God for cell phones!! We were constantly calling each other to see what was going on. At 3 a.m.? Not a durn thing. My hubby called at around 3:40 a.m. when he did rounds (he had duty). That was weird to be talking to him in the middle of the night in Walmart. Never said I was normal.

The closer it got to 5 a.m., the bigger the crowd got. I saw a few people I knew and we started doing some last minute bartering. You get this for me, I'll get this for you and we'll meet at the front. What a sweet deal! I ran into my ex sister in law's sister and I got some stuff for her and she left to hit Best Buy and picked up some stuff for me. Man, it helps to know people. That cousin of mine didn't show to help out and I'm completely ill with him. I may let him slide since he worked from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. Thanksgiving Day.

The funniest thing of the day? My Sister in law was sent with TWO buggies to get two televisions. Then we found out the portable dvd players were near her and so she was responsible for getting five of those. Why is that funny? Because she's so tiny and short ...the smallest one out of the group..and here she is getting the biggest stuff. She was a sight to behold pulling those two buggies to meet me. Wish I had a camera. While she was waiting, a group of guys came in that had been at a nightclub. They were stopping in to get some snacks and had no clue about the sale. (O' to be young and not care about saving a buck). She tried to convince them to stay and help her lift the t.v.s. Too bad they were basically drunk and probably would have passed out by 5 a.m.

The rookie? She did okay. She was supposed to get a computer, but when people started grabbing, she got overwhelmed and missed out. That's okay. She's new. We'll know next year to put LF or my SIL in a bulldog position. They have no qualms about fighting for a deal.

Me? I made friends with the floor workers who were guard doggin the stuff. We weren't allowed to touch it until 5 on the dot. (okay, so it was more like 4:50, but who cares now?) One worker would go get some of what I wanted and put it right beside me so I could get it and not miss out. That's me...the smooth talker.

We did so well at Walmart that we headed to Target and got there 6 minutes before they opened at 6 a.m. There was a line of people all the way around the building that had been waiting for ages and we kind of sidled up around 5:59 a.m. and waited to go in at the front. Some security guy tried to stop us (along with about 100 more latecomers). Uh, yeah right, Jack. Back up. All is fair and love and shopping and deals.

Our breakfast was great and it felt like it was 11:30 instead of 7 a.m. We had more to do and set off again. Little did I know that my Sister in Law was sick!!! She had been feeling bad, but breakfast sent her over the edge. I was driving around looking for a parking place when she said...get one quick!! I'm going to throw up!!! I said....HOLD UP....I'm getting there! Don't throw up in my van, man!! When I got in the parking place, she jumped out, ran to the front of the van and ..well, you know. I stayed in the van with windows up because if I had heard....I'd have been right beside her. Weak stomach, you know.

This is one tough woman. She got right up and said let's go. I told her I would take her home. No way...there was shopping to be done. She was so pale and shaky, but determined to get her list done. And she did. She passed out on the way home and probably doesn't even remember unloading the goods at Santa's hideout..a.k.a. Grandma's house. I haven't called to check on her because I know if it were me....I'd be sleeping that mess off.

So it was a successful battle for the team again. We were high on good deals and signing credit card slips. What a cramp in my wrist!!! (just kidding, honey...we can still pay the light bill)

Friday, November 25, 2005

Midnight Shopping

What can you do with a group of lunatics that prepare to go shopping at 12 midnight? Eh, nothing really but roll over and go back to sleep.

The army has been assembled. We go in teams of two. Well, my team has three members, but that's okay. We got stuck with the rookie so it's like having two. Either she'll jump in and be professional by 7 a.m. or never ever do this again.

We've studied the sales papers. We've got our map tracked as to where we go and when and who is responsible for getting a certain item. Cell phones are charged so we can communicate inside stores.

First we were going to leave at 4 a.m. Nah, we need time to scout. Then it got moved to 3 a.m. Then we remembered that the Walmart Supercenter was open 24 hours!! You can't buy til 5 a.m., but you sure can stand by your item and guard it with a coffee induced ferocity. We then decided to leave at 2 a.m. and thought again because the Sister in Law and I have to pick up her sister (the rookie). We need time to brief her and make sure she knows the seriousness of how we operate. My cousin is a big strapping guy who is getting off of work at the hospital at 11 p.m. and is going home to shower and change (the ER can be quite messy at times) then go right back out to stake our claim on a few major items. He seriously counts for two people on his own because at 6'2"...he can intimidate nicely.

We're seriously going to miss Fred this year. It was a bonus having two tall guys on our team who could easily reach over squabbling women to get something we want. Plus they can tote the heavy stuff. I feel a back ache coming on.

My mother gets bonus points for keeping 4 children this year. Paige decided she wanted no part of that scene and is staying home to sleep in peace. She has three phones beside her head but I don't anticipate her coming up for air until around 10 a.m. or so. Mom gets bigger bonus points because 3 of those kids are sick. I had a small amount of pity on her and doped them up before I sent them over. They should be snoring quite nicely about now.

Paige and I turned the T.V. up loud and talked loud because there was no fear of waking anyone up. We thought we were on vacation!

I am not going to attempt to sleep because if I do, it'll be all over with before I stir and there's nothing more embarrassing than having your LF (life friend) call and ask...."Where the h**l are you????" I cannot let the team down. This is our tenth year and we're going to celebrate the anniversary with a nice big breakfast when all is said and done!

Wish us luck. It's pure madness out there and we love it!!!!

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Don't Ask Me

And I mean it. They (being my family) need not ask me to say what I'm thankful for at our dinner tomorrow. After being at a doctor's office every single day this week and all three kids having varying stages of bronchitis? Let's share the love, babies! Someone asked me tonight what my plans were. Excuse me? Why, I'm going home. I'm gonna dope up my kids. I'm going to duct tape them to their beds. I'm going to run screaming into the woods never to be seen again. That's what I'm going to do.

I'm going tomorrow. You bet I am. Why? Because I don't have to go but a few miles to get there. I won't have to cook. There will be someone there to entertain the ill butt child who can't talk and just hates the world right now. (That would be Vitt) I'm wearing jogging pants and if you mess with me enough, you can forget the makeup.

And get this. I'm farming the kids out to my mom tomorrow night so my sister in law and I can get up and go fight the masses on Black Friday. We've done it for 10 years now and I'm going again. Does she realize that Vitt has never spent the night away from me in his whole life? Nope. Am I going to remind her? Nope. I'm going to put all the medicine in a bag and tell her to just hand it out. Someone will eventually get well.

I'm going to fix the biggest pot of coffee I can. I'm gonna fill my Bubba Keg to the brim with it. I'm heading out at 4 a.m. and don't look for me til afternoon sometime. And if I find something I like for me.....I'm gonna buy it. Dangit. (within reason of course)

I'm gonna miss my husband dreadfully. This will be the first T-day we've missed as a couple. FTN. Okay...I feel a little bit better for saying that. And I will eventually deal with the fact that I haven't seen him in a month and won't see him until Christmas. And if I can't? Crap. I'll just pop an extra lexapro here and there.

Bring that turkey on. Mama is wearing elastic waist pants.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I just Can't Believe....

That no one commented on the toilet story. And I know you guys read it. That was some funny stuff.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Toddlers, Tampons, and Toilets

Yeah, you read that one right. And believe me, the three of those don't mix.

He got away from me for two minutes!! Only two minutes!!! Then I hear a frantic "MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA" I go running to the bathroom to find my toilet going into overflow stage like Niagara Falls with my son standing in the midst with a look of terror on his face. I frantically pull the lid off and pull up the ball thingy to stop this madness. I turn for the plunger. WHERE IS THE PLUNGER????? I knew he had gotten it the night before and was riding it like a stick horse before Paige caught him and got completely grossed out by the thought of it and took it away. (stick horse..file away for Christmas idea) I stopped the water, set him out of the bathroom and started tearing the house apart looking for that blasted plunger. It had disappeared. Completely. I almost called Paige at school to ask her where it was.

A few hours pass and Paige comes home. I tell her of our problem. She immediately starts looking for the plunger. I tell you, it's gone. We even searched the outside trash can even though we both knew we wouldn't have put it there. Finally, we went to town to get one and some groceries. We get home and I start plunging (is that a word?) Guess what started coming back up? TAMPONS. I kid you not. Lots and lots of tampons. I do believe that boy emptied the whole box of SUPER SIZED in the toilet and proceeded to flush. Well, at least between 5-10 of them. I finally got tired of plunging (there's that word again) and Paige said she would take over while I started supper. I started sweating thinking I was going to have to call a plumber and how mortified we (me and Paige) were going to be about the...shhhhh..tampons. That word just embarrasses the crap out of Paige.

Well, my girl stepped up the plate and after about 15 minutes, she had that bad boy flushing like a champ. She calls excitedly from the bathroom..."Hey Mom! Come check it out!" She's grinning and holding that plunger like an Olympic proud was my baby girl. I watched the toilet flush and looked at her and said..."Yeah, well, I loosened it up for you."

I, of course, went back and totally patted her on the back and even made her give me a high five...which made her roll her eyes. So, I am officially giving Paige complete credit for unstopping our commode that was clogged with tampons. Might even put it in the local paper to show my gratitude.

Things to ponder now:
  • Find a way to lock that door and keep the boy out.
  • Make Paige wonder if I really would have called the school to ask her where the plunger was.
  • Keep making her believe I almost did (which is true)
  • Put the tampons wayyyy out of reach.
  • Put the story in the baby book for his kids to read one day and hope that they try it too.
  • Pray that my husband gets to experience this glorious pleasure of cleaning up after our son...when I am not around.

What I Want to be When I Grow Up

My husband says all the time that he's got to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up....meaning what on earth is he going to do when he retires from the military. I figure since he's a nuclear electrician he might can install ceiling fans for a living? Then again, they don't have ceiling fans on the boat so who knows?

I look at my kids all the time and wonder what they're going to end up doing with their lives. Some people brag that they want their kid to grow up to be president. I don't think so. People talk too much smack about people in power but wouldn't want the job if it was offered to them on a silver platter. If I had to pick one of my kids for that position, I'd pick Paige. Her logic is outstanding and she's one smart cookie. BUT...and I repeat BUT...some head of state or foreign dignitary can piss her off and if that sister is PMS'ing....well, let's just say I'd hate to be them.

Paige can't decide if she wants to be an ob/gyn or a lawyer. An ob/gyn because she remembers me being pregnant with both Makenna and Vitt and she watched all those shows on TLC and TDC know the birthin' shows? They are like crack to the pregnant woman and I promise you I've not watched a one when I wasn't pregnant. I told her to go for it and minor in plastic surgery because I would need it by then. She's thinking lawyer because the injustice in this world towards kids really sets her off. She wants to bang that gavel and throw some lowlife scum in jail. (think PMS again, people) I've finally decided to sit back and just see where this train ride is going. I don't care what she does as long as it's legal and I got a key to the poolhouse.

Makenna. Sweet Makenna. The kid is so smart and just plain beautiful. But, man, is she lazy. I told her the other day she would have to marry a rich man because she wasn't living with me forever. She just smiles this madonna smile she has and informs me that she is going to be superstar and makes lots and lots of money and then she'll pay for me to go somewhere to lose weight so I can be a supermodel when she decides to do that because supermodels are super skinny, you know. Works for me. I'm going to enjoy seeing where my free thinking artistic sprite ends up making her mark on this world.

Vitt. Lord, help me. Kid loves to work. Hide your tools, because if he can find them, I can guarantee he's going to be working on something that's sitting still. He loves to help with housework (his sisters need to take lessons) I got that boy helping empty the dishwasher and loading. Doing laundry with me...he does a heck of a job putting clothes in the dryer. Now if he would leave the door closed so they would dry...we'd be set. He loves a pen. I have to hide those because he'll have marks everywhere he has bare skin. And help us if he finds the plunger because he's gonna work on that commode until something happens...good or bad. So, I figure he'll be a carpenter like his Papa......or a tattoo artist....or a plumber. His dad says he's going to play a major sport and make big money and give us front row seats to whatever he's playing. We'll see. That one is really going to be a surprise. Knowing my luck, he'll join the military and I won't ever get his butt home for a holiday again.

I know I had big plans for myself growing up. I had awesome grades. I don't know what happened. Well, yes, I do. I became a mom. I gave up my job at the hospital because I had a premature baby who barely weighed 4 lbs by the time my maternity leave was up. I've been home ever since and haven't looked back. So, I guess you could say my kids are my career right now. And that's just fine. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world...and they don't realize it, but they wouldn't either. Vitt will be starting school before I know it and then what do I do?

I guess I better figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Veteran's Day

In my haste to complain about the military, I totally disregarded Veteran's Day. You might think I'm contradicting myself. I'm not. I have complete respect for those serving our country...every man and woman. They can't help they have turds for bosses and have to do stupid stuff sometimes.

First I want to thank my Grandaddy. He served in WWII as a young man. He squatted in trenches in freezing weather and as a result, he got frostbite on both his feet. As he lay in the infirmary, he developed gangrene in both feet and the doctors wanted to amputate both legs from the knee down. He refused. This doctor came around to talk to him and told him there was this experimental drug that had just come out and he wanted to try it on Grandaddy. He agreed to be a guinea pig. Thank you, Grandaddy for trying penicillan. Because he did this, he walked on both feet until that last stroke took him down. Those feet may not have worked perfectly at the end and that cane saved his butt a few times, but he walk he did on his own two feet. He's been gone almost 4 years and I miss him still.

Thank you Daddy, for going to that place called Vietnam. You were so young and my Grandma prayed every day for your safe return. And return you did, physically and mentally whole. I'm so sorry that almost as soon as you got back, you had to attend your best friend's funeral who wasn't so lucky. He suffered alot, but his faith kept him strong. But, he can seriously spook you out. There have been many times we've been sitting there and all of a sudden he will say "Chopper" and sure enough, we'd hear one a few minutes later. He respects the movie Forrest Gump...says the 'Nam scenes were well executed. He didn't come home with alcohol or drugs. That was a miracle in itself. Thank you, Daddy.

Thank you, Mary (Fred's cousin). You've gone on a second deployment, leaving behind your beautiful baby girl in the care of someone who tries to erase you from her mind. You've shown me the coolest pictures and I just can't fathom the incredibly hard job you face day in and out. You have my total respect. You are one tough cookie.***

Thank you to my husband. It's been so hard missing this year of our son's life, but rest assured.....he's waiting for you to come home where I will then have to surgically extract him from your butt before it's over with. You've dedicated a large part of your life to our country and no one on this earth could be more proud of you than I am. Nope, not even your Mama. (No disrespect intended, Mrs. M)

There are so many more I could thank, but who wants to read for that long? I have nothing but the highest respect for all of those who serve in all our branches of service. Each job is important and to see you function as a total unit is a sight to behold. Simply put....You all ROCK and I thank every single one of you!!!

*** As I was writing about Mary, I recieved an IM from my brother-in-law telling me that Mary is now home and has that baby girl back in her arms. WELCOME HOME, MARY!! We love you, girl!!!

Spell check is on vacation tonight so please forgive any errors.
the management

Saturday, November 12, 2005

The Military

Basically sucks right now. Yeah, I know I've been this route before but sometimes....sometimes you gotta just vent about how stupid people can be. This could get lengthy.

My hubby calls me this week and he's not sounding too good. Apparently the head honchos came in a week or so early for inspection. They deemed the boat not ready ( think?) and therefore decreed that the they would be working 7 day work weeks until further notice. I see. They would be going in at 6:30 a.m. and working until 7 p.m. during the week and 7:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. on weekends. If you have 24 hour duty..why, buckle in gotta pull a shift the next day, too. Sounds to me like someone is on a power trip. I didn't get upset. Very surprising, I know. I gave my husband my support and told him to go and do the best he could. He's worried about his guys. He's head over 20 something head and he had to tell them that Thanksgiving would be just another day this year. He's telling me that marriages are suffering. One guy had to eat the cost of plane tickets purchased when his leave chit was approved ...said leave chit was revoked. Alot of these guys are young. They've been working their butts off the past couple of months and to be told they basically suck? Not a good thing, people. Morale is at an all time low. *

Now before I get all this crap about: "well, they signed up for this" and "this is their job" blah blah blah...I need to state something. I know all of this and I a point. This boat is not in the middle of a war. They are stateside. When you force people to work this many hours and have no days off and the need just isn't there...what kind of destruction are you causing? How many marriages will fail? How many important family moments will be missed needlessly? How many accidents will be caused from men being exhausted? Will the boat really be up to par when the men doing it are unhappy and tired and hating their job?

I told my husband today that I would be cool for a few weeks. But, if the powers that be decide to continue the bureaucratic bullcrap through Christmas....well, then, I might have to say something. If I am not mistaken...don't they work for us? The American taxpaying citizen? Will they listen to me? No. I'm not completely stupid, but I am prone to state my thoughts, feelings, and opinions...even when not asked.

Have I told you lately I love lexapro? I believe it's keeping me from falling right over the edge and becoming a screaming shrew over all of this. We'll see just how good this stuff when PMS hits. that gonna be interesting.

I don't foresee any of this changing anytime soon. I just foresee retirement in four years. I hope I can hang on that long.

*Fred, if I have the reasoning wrong, don't bother correcting me. Okay? I know I don't fully understand or know what's going on. I know it's classified and you would have to shoot me if you told me. Let's just say I got the gist of it and be done with it. Okay? Okay.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Did We Move?

Seriously. Did someone move the whole North American continent further south? Kind of shift us during the night when we weren't paying attention?

My child wore a skort, short sleeve shirt, and flip flops to school today. Because it was over 80 degrees!!!!! And it's November!!!!!!!

It is the time to be wearing sweaters. Long pants. Cute jackets. Snazzy looking dark colored shoes, for crying out loud.

I went to Myrtle Beach this past weekend out to supper for my cousin's birthday. BTW...if you ever get a chance to hit Margueritaville it. Fun place. It's evening. It should be very very cool. We're barely able to wear long sleeves. Argh. Yankees were wearing barely there clothing. They laughed at us. Humph.

This just isn't cool. Literally.

Let me know if any of you find out where we are now located.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Drugs Talking Smack...

I really don't feel like anything interesting has been happening in my life lately. But, it could be the drugs talking.

I went to my lovely doctor the other week for the back check up. Come to think of it, I don't even think we even addressed my back as we were too busy chatting when I got in there. Sometimes it might not be a good thing to be on a first name basis with your doctor. So after we inquired about each other's kids I told K. this: Girl, I have acquired this awful thing called PMS. ~she listens attentively~ I'm serious! It makes me a quivering hysterical mass in the middle of the floor and that is so NOT my style. ~She smiles and writes a script.~ Then I go on to tell her that if I don't get some of this weight off, I'm going to die a slow horrible death and it will be on her conscience because, dude, we gotta do something about this. ~She writes another script.~ When I left her office, I kidding....6 prescriptions. Count them! SIX. My face burned in shame because I seriously looked like a drug addict of the highest order. When I got to my vehicle, I noticed that there were 3 I wouldn't have to get filled because they were new ones of what I already had (ie...inhaler...naprosyn...fever blister knock out stuff).

My new favorite things in the world? Flonase. Killed that nasal drip I didn't know I had in 2 days flat and cut that cough out, Man! I heart Flonase.

Another new favorite thing? Lexapro. I am so smooth now. Instead of meeting Paige nose to nose...toe to toe...I can just simply look at her and calmly state what needs to be said. This really tends to tick her off because now she's lost her sparring partner and I'm back to being the parent. ahhhhhhhhhhh.....and it feels so good, people!

Last, but not least. Prescription diet pills!!!! Can we say HELLO! With eyes wide open? With no desire to eat? Ever again? And let me tell you, this stuff is working because I forgot to take one today and thought I would starve to death. I had to eat or die! And don't tell me it's a mind thing. Okay? I know what's up there and what ain't. So there.

So I've been excitingly smooth. I'm not groggy or foggy. I'm wide open and able to handle anything. Anything I tell you!!

Yeah, it's gotta be the drugs talking.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Makenna Quote...Kind of...

I help Mak with her homework every night. I write her spelling words and sentence and she then writes each word 5 times in order to know them by the Friday test. Okay, so the teacher requires only 3 times, but Mom requires 5 so that we're sure to know them. When I go to write her words for that night's homework session, I look through the past couple of sheets to see what she did in class that day. You know...See if there's anything interesting. I looked yesterday and guess what? There was.....

That day in class she had to write a sentence with each spelling word. The word that caught my eye? Crack. This is her sentence:

I have a butt crack.

I kid you not. I said...MAKENNA, are you kidding me? She all innocence says...What, Mama? Mrs. S thought it was cool.

I wonder what on earth Mrs. S thinks about this child's homelife?