Moving steady forward

First off, as of yesterday (June 21st), I have been smoke free for one solid month. A whole month without a cigarette. When I decided to quit, I honestly didn't know if I'd make it one day, much less a month. Is it getting easier? Sure. The habit is getting broken hour by hour as I find other things to fill my time. I'm not craving the nicotine per se, although I have the occasional day dream of the drug hitting my brain and the soothing goodness that comes from it. I don't ever want to pick up the habit again. It costs too much financially and health-wise. I miss it, God KNOWS I miss it. I still have to make the decision NOT to smoke every single day, some times every single hour. Maybe I always will.

On to current thoughts and such, my will power was surely tested this weekend. Since The Man and I decided that he should retire this upcoming November, we've been put on a roller coaster ride of MASSIVE proportions. I love a good roller coaster, mind you, but it's been a while since I've ridden one. I've gone along with the ride for the most part. I've planned the reception for his ceremony and got that taken care of. I'm not stressing a bit over that part.

This weekend, out of nowhere, I got hit with a sucker punch.

It hit me that I may have to uproot my family and take them to yet another new place to live. I don't want to do that. I'll be honest and up front with you.

I.Don't.Want.To.Do.That.

These are things I CAN do but DON'T want to do:

1. Find a decent school district and put my children in different schools where I know no person that works there.

2. Find new doctors(family doc, psychiatrist, psychologist) that will provide quality care for my family.

3. Find another OB/GYN for my personal needs.

4. Find a new dentist for all of us.

5. Find a new church that will fill my family's spiritual needs. (This should really be first.)

6. Find my way around a new town.

7. Map another route back to South Carolina to my parents house.

8. Realize that if I am over 35 miles away from my family, they won't come visit. Ever.

I just about melted on the floor. I got so angry and mad about the whole entire deal. For once, I want it to be easy. It's nothing but work work work all the fricken time. While I know my husband would be there with us and not out to sea this time, I still have to do this crap because he's going to be starting a new job. I know it's my job as The Wife and The Mama to make all this stuff magically happen, but I just want a durn break, ya know?

I feel so old. I'm not some starry eyed new military wife looking for the next adventure. That's not how I roll. I love stability. I love knowing my place where I am. This just isn't me.

But, I have no choice. Thanks to a plummeting economy, we will have to go where my husband can find a decent job to take care of a family of five. Trust me, you can't live off a retirement check.

Right this moment, I'm just depressed/upset/sad/mad/tired over what I'm going to have to deal with in the next six months. Whatever and where ever God sends us, I'll make do because that's just what I do.

I just need a little bit of time to wallow in the pool of crap I'm in so I can get it over with, put my big girl panties on, and deal with it.

......and I quit smoking???

Quitting the Habit

I've had a few people email, call, and text asking me how I quit smoking.

I quit?

Well, I haven't lit a cigarette in 20 days and put it to my lips. Hold on a second while I daydream about inhaling, would you?

I think I'm going to be like an alcoholic. I will have to wake up every day telling myself I will not smoke that day. I don't look ahead a week, month, or year. I want to succeed each day.

I didn't wake up one morning and say NO MORE. I am the type person that I have to come around to my way of thinking. I have to contemplate it for a while. I have to get bronchitis and do breathing treatments to breathe. I have to cough all night from the bronchitis to the point I gag.

My biggest fear in life is that I will die before my children are grown. See, no one can raise them better than I can. No one can love them like I can. I pray every day to God that He PLEASE let me live to raise my children. After that? Anything I get will be gravy and a lottery won.

I really wasn't helping the Big Guy any with the smoking. I wasn't a heavy pack or two a day smoker...but what does that matter when you have asthma. Asthma didn't bother me when I was young because I was invincible and all that rot. Since we moved to the Bermuda Triangle of Allergies here in Georgia, I have fought that cursed asthma like a fiend. It got to where I knew every time I lit up, I was doing some major damage up in the lungs. How could I ask God to let me live and raise my children when I was steady killing myself every time I lit a cigarette?

The last time I went to the doctor for bronchitis and/or sinus infection (a little over a month ago), Dr. Rude gave me a run for my money. He immediately referred me out for the Smoking Cessation program we have on base. What? I didn't know such a thing existed! I got the letter in the mail and nurse called. I wasn't rude, but I wasn't as nice as a Southern gal should be. I made an appointment to go in and "just listen" to what she said.

I showed up for my appointment. While the nurse assisted a person ahead of me, I started reading the posters on the wall. You know the ones...where you see graphic pictures of bad lungs and sad faced children. Ugh. Until this point, I had started weaning down the number of cigarettes I was smoking a day, but I just wasn't ready to quit. Not quite yet. This was on a Tuesday.

I was surprised to learn that I didn't smoke enough to qualify for the heavy duty starter nicotine patch. The nurse told me to start the second step patch, along with some nicotine gum and see how it went. I am the type person who will talk a subject to death when I got it on the mind. She was so patient and answered or argued every point I made. She said she would see me in a week. Right.

I headed out the door with no set game plan but armed. I knew I had a new pack at home and that box of patches beside me.

I decided to finish the new pack and be done with it. I smoked all Tuesday afternoon and evening. I smoked all day Wednesday and into the evening. I savored each cigarette and I thought about what I was getting ready to undertake.

Thursday morning I woke up and slapped a patch on.

I know me. I know I could not break the mental and physical addiction both at one time. For those of you who quit cold turkey? God Bless You! You are amazing and I am humbled by your strength.

I had to break the habit first. As the day wore on, I got antsy. I NEEDED that cigarette in my hand. I made myself stop. Literally get still. I asked myself was I having withdrawals from the nicotine or was I missing the cigarette. Mental check. Nope, I was cool with the nicotine part. I wanted the cigarette.

I got busy. I've scrubbed counters. I've done laundry. I've cooked.

All I know is I am tired of fighting myself!

It has gotten easier. I know that I will always fight the urge to light one up. Every day that I don't will be the ultimate success for me.

Today I went to visit the nurse. I was given the final step down patch. I am going to make a tentative goal to be nicotine free within three weeks. I'm right excited about that, to be honest.

I have been warned that food will taste so much better. Lord, that was never broken to begin with and I surely don't want it fixed to be better!

I've always hated the smell of cigarettes. I look forward to hating it ten times more. How could I smoke if I hated the smell so bad? What can I say...the habit was stronger than my sense of smell.

My blood pressure has gone down around 14 points on the bottom. I was borderline hypertensive and was starting to concern the doctor. I am working on my cholesterol now. Healthy is my goal.

I have so many thoughts left to share, but I'll leave it for now. If you want to quit, you can. Is it hard? OH MY GOODNESS YES. I have been blessed to have amazing support with family and friends and there is nothing I'd rather do than pass that on to someone else. You need support? I'm your gal.

The Right Way to Say it

You just gotta work with me here, Internets. I've composed this post at least four times and sent it to the draft folder. I just couldn't find a way to put it the right way. It's personal. It's a struggle. It's flat out hard.

I quit smoking.

I am going into my third week with no cigarette. I am empowered. I can breathe.

I could eat one- filter and all. Lighter optional.

This is the hardest thing I've done.

I think I'd rather give birth ten times WITHOUT drugs than go through this again. (I've done the birth thing with a big headed baby, so I know.)

I found myself composing this long post about how I smoked and don't judge me and I have an addictive personality and smoking was my addiction. I found myself getting all defensive and literally arguing the more I typed. Who was I arguing with? I have no idea. I think that was around the time I was going into day 5 where I was thoroughly pissed over the whole thing.

I have grieved...am still grieving my habit. It's the death (literally and figuratively) of a long relationship.

I told you in previous posts I was taking baby steps towards better health. Well, this wasn't a baby step. It was a LEAP off of a mountain.

Around day 7, I found myself crying for alcoholics and drug addicts. My habit was small scale compared to theirs, but I GET IT. For those of you beating your habit daily? I GET IT. I pray for you. I pray for me.

My house is much cleaner as I find myself keeping busy so I don't think about how I would love to light one up and enjoy five minutes of "me time". No, I didn't smoke up in my home, but I had designated smoking areas. I avoid those areas now. I scrub counters instead.

I am trying to keep food from being a replacement. For those of you who have seen me lately? You KNOW that is the last thing I need to do. So add in walking past the closed pantry in there along with no cigs.

Day 10 found me contemplating nerve pills a little bit more seriously. I composed another post that was full of the "Woe is Me" stuff. Ugh. I got to delete that one. I'm the only one who's read it but it embarrasses me.

I do still ask that you don't judge me. I am still fragile and fighting this day by day. Yes, it's gotten easier. I told just a few people I was going to do this. Neighbor Debbie and Chelle (both blogs to the right) stepped up and started sending encouraging text messages. The first week? I got a text message about every hour. These two ladies don't know each other but their wavelength was amazing. It was like they alternated hours and I'd get that text message and appreciate it so much. "You can do this!" "I'm so proud of you!" "Cowgirl up!" <--Neighbor Debbie. Each one was needed and loved. Neighbor Debbie is down to around two texts a day. She's a former smoker. She knows. God bless those of you- the family and friends who knew- who have supported me doing this.

I'm typing this fast and going to post after a quick spell check because I love my blog. This has been keeping me from blogging and doing something I love because my focus HAD to be all on quitting. I'm starting to have ideas again to post about but I needed to post this first.

Okay, I just sighed really big.

Done. Now you know how it's really going at The Edge.

Bring on Week 3!!!!!!!!!!!