You just gotta work with me here, Internets. I've composed this post at least four times and sent it to the draft folder. I just couldn't find a way to put it the right way. It's personal. It's a struggle. It's flat out hard.
I quit smoking.
I am going into my third week with no cigarette. I am empowered. I can breathe.
I could eat one- filter and all. Lighter optional.
This is the hardest thing I've done.
I think I'd rather give birth ten times WITHOUT drugs than go through this again. (I've done the birth thing with a big headed baby, so I know.)
I found myself composing this long post about how I smoked and don't judge me and I have an addictive personality and smoking was my addiction. I found myself getting all defensive and literally arguing the more I typed. Who was I arguing with? I have no idea. I think that was around the time I was going into day 5 where I was thoroughly pissed over the whole thing.
I have grieved...am still grieving my habit. It's the death (literally and figuratively) of a long relationship.
I told you in previous posts I was taking baby steps towards better health. Well, this wasn't a baby step. It was a LEAP off of a mountain.
Around day 7, I found myself crying for alcoholics and drug addicts. My habit was small scale compared to theirs, but I GET IT. For those of you beating your habit daily? I GET IT. I pray for you. I pray for me.
My house is much cleaner as I find myself keeping busy so I don't think about how I would love to light one up and enjoy five minutes of "me time". No, I didn't smoke up in my home, but I had designated smoking areas. I avoid those areas now. I scrub counters instead.
I am trying to keep food from being a replacement. For those of you who have seen me lately? You KNOW that is the last thing I need to do. So add in walking past the closed pantry in there along with no cigs.
Day 10 found me contemplating nerve pills a little bit more seriously. I composed another post that was full of the "Woe is Me" stuff. Ugh. I got to delete that one. I'm the only one who's read it but it embarrasses me.
I do still ask that you don't judge me. I am still fragile and fighting this day by day. Yes, it's gotten easier. I told just a few people I was going to do this. Neighbor Debbie and Chelle (both blogs to the right) stepped up and started sending encouraging text messages. The first week? I got a text message about every hour. These two ladies don't know each other but their wavelength was amazing. It was like they alternated hours and I'd get that text message and appreciate it so much. "You can do this!" "I'm so proud of you!" "Cowgirl up!" <--Neighbor Debbie. Each one was needed and loved. Neighbor Debbie is down to around two texts a day. She's a former smoker. She knows. God bless those of you- the family and friends who knew- who have supported me doing this.
I'm typing this fast and going to post after a quick spell check because I love my blog. This has been keeping me from blogging and doing something I love because my focus HAD to be all on quitting. I'm starting to have ideas again to post about but I needed to post this first.
Okay, I just sighed really big.
Done. Now you know how it's really going at The Edge.
Bring on Week 3!!!!!!!!!!!