Thursday, June 04, 2009

The Right Way to Say it

You just gotta work with me here, Internets. I've composed this post at least four times and sent it to the draft folder. I just couldn't find a way to put it the right way. It's personal. It's a struggle. It's flat out hard.

I quit smoking.

I am going into my third week with no cigarette. I am empowered. I can breathe.

I could eat one- filter and all. Lighter optional.

This is the hardest thing I've done.

I think I'd rather give birth ten times WITHOUT drugs than go through this again. (I've done the birth thing with a big headed baby, so I know.)

I found myself composing this long post about how I smoked and don't judge me and I have an addictive personality and smoking was my addiction. I found myself getting all defensive and literally arguing the more I typed. Who was I arguing with? I have no idea. I think that was around the time I was going into day 5 where I was thoroughly pissed over the whole thing.

I have grieved...am still grieving my habit. It's the death (literally and figuratively) of a long relationship.

I told you in previous posts I was taking baby steps towards better health. Well, this wasn't a baby step. It was a LEAP off of a mountain.

Around day 7, I found myself crying for alcoholics and drug addicts. My habit was small scale compared to theirs, but I GET IT. For those of you beating your habit daily? I GET IT. I pray for you. I pray for me.

My house is much cleaner as I find myself keeping busy so I don't think about how I would love to light one up and enjoy five minutes of "me time". No, I didn't smoke up in my home, but I had designated smoking areas. I avoid those areas now. I scrub counters instead.

I am trying to keep food from being a replacement. For those of you who have seen me lately? You KNOW that is the last thing I need to do. So add in walking past the closed pantry in there along with no cigs.

Day 10 found me contemplating nerve pills a little bit more seriously. I composed another post that was full of the "Woe is Me" stuff. Ugh. I got to delete that one. I'm the only one who's read it but it embarrasses me.

I do still ask that you don't judge me. I am still fragile and fighting this day by day. Yes, it's gotten easier. I told just a few people I was going to do this. Neighbor Debbie and Chelle (both blogs to the right) stepped up and started sending encouraging text messages. The first week? I got a text message about every hour. These two ladies don't know each other but their wavelength was amazing. It was like they alternated hours and I'd get that text message and appreciate it so much. "You can do this!" "I'm so proud of you!" "Cowgirl up!" <--Neighbor Debbie. Each one was needed and loved. Neighbor Debbie is down to around two texts a day. She's a former smoker. She knows. God bless those of you- the family and friends who knew- who have supported me doing this.

I'm typing this fast and going to post after a quick spell check because I love my blog. This has been keeping me from blogging and doing something I love because my focus HAD to be all on quitting. I'm starting to have ideas again to post about but I needed to post this first.

Okay, I just sighed really big.

Done. Now you know how it's really going at The Edge.

Bring on Week 3!!!!!!!!!!!

20 comments:

USS Retired said...

Rock On, Girlfriend! You KNOW how supportive I am of whatever you decide & I'm glad to see that we're both working on getting back to good health! Baby Steps, Indeed. But yeah, as a smoker myself, I would agree that you just took a leap off a mountain with no bungee cord attached.

God Bless You, Miss Hope, for all you do and all you are. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jenn and Eric said...

Congrats Miss Hope! I know how hard it can be to give up those precious "me moments". I gave up smoking 3 years ago after having smoked for longer than I care to admit. You have made it through the hardest part, that first 2 weeks. It will only get easier as the days go on.

Keep it up girl! You can do it!

Karen said...

I had no idea you even smoked. lol! Seriously. Not a clue. But congrats!! Keep it up!!

Lishak said...

You are fabulous! Good for you to be able to make to 3 weeks. I'm sure it's excruciating, but it will be so worth it.
We all have habits that are hard to break. I'm praying that you have the strength to get through it. Thanks for sharing with us, so we can help encourage you!

Denise said...

WTG!!! No judgment here, just encouragement. You're doing a really hard thing, and you're winning! Cyber-high-five! Keep it up, and kick some ciggie butt!

The family said...

HOPE! You are awesome! I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you! 3 WEEKS SOME FREE that is awesome! YEAHHHHH!You can do it. Next time you feel the urge to light up - TEXT ME!

Krys72599 said...

YAY!!! I'm so proud of you!!!

We have a long way to go and a lot of learning about each other to do before we can call each other "bestest friends," but what I DO think I know about you is this:
* You are a strong woman.
* You love your family and want them to be happy and healthy.
* You want to be happy and healthy with them.
* YOU CAN DO THIS.
* You ARE doing this!

And it will get easier, I know it will.

And we're behind you, 250%!!!

loquita said...

Former smoker here, from a family of many former smokers -- the struggle can be tough, but it is *so* worth it. Keep it up! I am so happy for you about your two weeks, you are gonna rock week 3 and beyond! *hugs*

ronee said...

You are amazing..and if i had known you needed some pump up text..you know i am your girl! not to mention..had i known..i would have posted more pictures...OH i posted pictures today!
love you girlie..and you are strong..you are on my prayer list!
xoxo
ronee

Melinda said...

I quit smoking 8 years ago and goodness gracious is it ever a hard thing to do! Just remember that your body is no longer addicted to the nicotine - you just have to battle the addiction in your mind. Sounds easy enough, right? LOL

While I haven't touched a cigarette in all these years I still miss it and have moments of temptation. Atleast once a month Dh and I will wax romantic about how nice a it would be to have one. We don't do it, but I'm not sure that urge will ever completely leave us!

Good Job Girl ~ proud of you for doing it!

cat said...

CONGRATS! Girl do I ever know what your talking about! I quit a year ago and I still would eat a whole (filter and all) damm cig if knowone was looking.

Keep it up, your more then half way there, so keep on, keepin on. I'll pray for you. *Smiles* Proud, so proud of you.

C said...

Still prayin' for you! Congrats on making it this far. :)

Roni said...

GREAT JOB!!! Im glad you blogged about this! Now when you are feeling down about it all just come back & read all these comments! And I because I just quit too about 2 months ago I think it was more like a cliff jump! (with no bungee as USS Retired said)

The Pauline Goat Ranchers said...

Holy Moly! That is so cool! I never would have guessed! I am so proud of you! I'm an ex-smoker too! 7 years clean!

It is a roller coaster ride of emotions but as time goes the hills and the rush of the roller coaster slow down!

When I first quit, I felt I could eat a pack with the wrapper and all when I got stressed and now if I walk out of a public building and I run into someone smoking, it gags the crap out of me! I wish you those moments, lol, those are the moments that reassure you that you did the right thing and help you stay focused!

I wish you much success!

Paige said...

Mama, words can never express how truly proud I am of you.
I love you so much.
-Your babygirl

Kristi said...

You are an amazing woman Hope. This is a MONUMENTAL change. You...Can..do...it! Addictions are nightmares. I have a food addiction and it has ruled my entire life. Even went to overeaters anonymous. I have started an extreme diet...and I mean EXTREME, because I am at my heaviest and I wanted to take back some control of my life instead of letting food control me. It has been a REALLY, REALLY, hard thing.
It has been 9 days now, and I have gone through this wierd grieving process. Anger, ornery, depressed, sad...you name it. I have stood in the kitchen and cried. I even got teary eyed in the Icecream isle at the store last night. What is that? Addiction..that is what it is. Who am I without the food? Where is my alone time to eat my icecream, peanut butter cups...etc? How do I deal with stress without eating a candy bar to help me through it?

So...I can't imagine how hard it is to quit smoking...but I can understand addiction and it stinks!

I'm proud of you girl...You are taking back control of your life and it feels great.

Dani said...

Praying for you Miss Hope! Nothing but support:)

Busy Texas Dee said...

Yeah!!!!!! I'm SOOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU. I guess I'm gonna have to be next. I have tried so many times but end up not making it very far. It's pretty bad when my own daughter tells me "Mom go get some smokes you are driving me nuts". So when that happens then I know that I am being a royal B*&^@! You would think with all we have going on here I would be able to find something to keep me occupied. Well keep up the good work and maybe when I get there you can help me. Love you.

Joe and Samantha said...

Wooooooo :)
Keep on Keeping on. You got this for sure!

Michelle said...

I'm very proud of you...I knew you could do this when you got ready...just like everything else, that's what it's all about, being ready...get it licked and we can move on tho OUR bigger issues(not that this one wasn't huge)...love you!!!