Monday, June 22, 2009

Moving steady forward

First off, as of yesterday (June 21st), I have been smoke free for one solid month. A whole month without a cigarette. When I decided to quit, I honestly didn't know if I'd make it one day, much less a month. Is it getting easier? Sure. The habit is getting broken hour by hour as I find other things to fill my time. I'm not craving the nicotine per se, although I have the occasional day dream of the drug hitting my brain and the soothing goodness that comes from it. I don't ever want to pick up the habit again. It costs too much financially and health-wise. I miss it, God KNOWS I miss it. I still have to make the decision NOT to smoke every single day, some times every single hour. Maybe I always will.

On to current thoughts and such, my will power was surely tested this weekend. Since The Man and I decided that he should retire this upcoming November, we've been put on a roller coaster ride of MASSIVE proportions. I love a good roller coaster, mind you, but it's been a while since I've ridden one. I've gone along with the ride for the most part. I've planned the reception for his ceremony and got that taken care of. I'm not stressing a bit over that part.

This weekend, out of nowhere, I got hit with a sucker punch.

It hit me that I may have to uproot my family and take them to yet another new place to live. I don't want to do that. I'll be honest and up front with you.

I.Don't.Want.To.Do.That.

These are things I CAN do but DON'T want to do:

1. Find a decent school district and put my children in different schools where I know no person that works there.

2. Find new doctors(family doc, psychiatrist, psychologist) that will provide quality care for my family.

3. Find another OB/GYN for my personal needs.

4. Find a new dentist for all of us.

5. Find a new church that will fill my family's spiritual needs. (This should really be first.)

6. Find my way around a new town.

7. Map another route back to South Carolina to my parents house.

8. Realize that if I am over 35 miles away from my family, they won't come visit. Ever.

I just about melted on the floor. I got so angry and mad about the whole entire deal. For once, I want it to be easy. It's nothing but work work work all the fricken time. While I know my husband would be there with us and not out to sea this time, I still have to do this crap because he's going to be starting a new job. I know it's my job as The Wife and The Mama to make all this stuff magically happen, but I just want a durn break, ya know?

I feel so old. I'm not some starry eyed new military wife looking for the next adventure. That's not how I roll. I love stability. I love knowing my place where I am. This just isn't me.

But, I have no choice. Thanks to a plummeting economy, we will have to go where my husband can find a decent job to take care of a family of five. Trust me, you can't live off a retirement check.

Right this moment, I'm just depressed/upset/sad/mad/tired over what I'm going to have to deal with in the next six months. Whatever and where ever God sends us, I'll make do because that's just what I do.

I just need a little bit of time to wallow in the pool of crap I'm in so I can get it over with, put my big girl panties on, and deal with it.

......and I quit smoking???

7 comments:

Krys72599 said...

I can personally recommend THE.BEST.DENTIST.ON.THE.FACE.OF.THE.EARTH.
BUT the catch is you'd have to relocate up here to northern NJ, slightly farther away from SC than 35 miles... or you'd have to be willing to commute to see him. Which, personally, I've threatened to do every time he says he's retiring to FL - I say, "ok, but I'm coming down every 6 months for my check-up so bring your chair and your tools!"
I've recommended, oh, 50 friends and family to Dr. M; they all love him, too!
In fact I'm going in tomorrow at 4:40; shall I put in a good word for you?!!?

Mrs. Em said...

"If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it."

You know that all military wives around the country can unite with your feeling of HAVING to do something but not WANTING to. That, my dear, is our life. But once again, if God brings us to it, He'll bring us through it...even if we're kicking and screaming.

Remember when you came kicking and screaming to Georgia? Think of how much you've grown! This is another growing experience. One for you and your family. Sure, it may be easier to pack up and go back to South Carolina, but we can't always do the easy thing, otherwise how would we grow? Sometimes kicking and screaming leads to growing, maturing, and the ability to pass on the good we've learned to others.

God needs you someplace GREAT and He's prepared that place for you. Just like you've touched so many lives here, you're going to do the same thing in the next place. Everything will fall into order. Don't let your fears get the best of you.

The Marines have a saying: "Once a Marine, always a Marine." I think it's true for military wives. "Once a military wife, always a military wife." You take the tools you've learned here and keep them with you as you move along. You can do this. God's gonna get you through it.

Denise said...

Let's focus on the first part of your post. You're DOING IT! You've quit smoking, and you're making it stick! That's one of the hardest things anyone ever has to do. And you're kicking some cigarette butt. So you can handle this other stuff. Because really, it's just stuff. Be mad, be sad, be upset. You deserve it. I hate being uprooted and starting over, and I can understand how you're pretty tired of doing that. But you are so strong, you will make it happen. ((hugs))

P.S. Wherever you end up, I can always recommend a church for you. *wink wink* lol

Dani said...

Hey Miss Hope ... I just wanted to say ... first hurray for a whole month without smoking. Two ... once I get my little butt in gear there will be a package heading your way (I actually had it where it could have arrived relatively close to your birthday but it's been crazy around here) which I hope might bring a smile to your face. It was going to be a surprise but it sounds like you could use some cheering up. Three ... I know it's going to be tough but hopefully you will have an answer soon so you can start doing all the things you don't want to do but will be glad to have done soon rather than later. BTW - you go on getting the retirement celebration done :). Some times you just have to go where God takes you ... even if you can't see what He has in store from you. Remember we can make all the plans we want but God often has other plans (as has become readily apparent recently in our life). Take the time you need to be sad, angry, upset but don't forget to turn around and face the world with a smile :). Praying for you and your family Miss Hope!

The family said...

oh so eloquent. I am so right here beside ya. It sucks.

Michelle said...

I am only able to comment on the smoking...so proud of you!

The rest is just too overwhelming for me also...plus it deserves a call!

I Am Boymom said...

Okay...first thing's first: WHOO-HOO on the smoking!! Holy cow, woman! A MAJOR accomplishment! I am soooo proud and hppy for you. On the life being hard and moving thing? It does suck sometimes that things have to be so hard. And it is absolutely okay to have a freaking meltdown and be angry for a day or two while you work through it. Having moved a bazillion times in my life, I am ready to be in one spot and never, EVER move again and I want the same stability for my kids. I am so sorry that your husband hasn't been able to get the work your family needs where you are at, how nice it would have been to have an easy transistion out of the military and into a new life without having to uproot everyone. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers, Miss Hope.