First off, as of yesterday (June 21st), I have been smoke free for one solid month. A whole month without a cigarette. When I decided to quit, I honestly didn't know if I'd make it one day, much less a month. Is it getting easier? Sure. The habit is getting broken hour by hour as I find other things to fill my time. I'm not craving the nicotine per se, although I have the occasional day dream of the drug hitting my brain and the soothing goodness that comes from it. I don't ever want to pick up the habit again. It costs too much financially and health-wise. I miss it, God KNOWS I miss it. I still have to make the decision NOT to smoke every single day, some times every single hour. Maybe I always will.
On to current thoughts and such, my will power was surely tested this weekend. Since The Man and I decided that he should retire this upcoming November, we've been put on a roller coaster ride of MASSIVE proportions. I love a good roller coaster, mind you, but it's been a while since I've ridden one. I've gone along with the ride for the most part. I've planned the reception for his ceremony and got that taken care of. I'm not stressing a bit over that part.
This weekend, out of nowhere, I got hit with a sucker punch.
It hit me that I may have to uproot my family and take them to yet another new place to live. I don't want to do that. I'll be honest and up front with you.
These are things I CAN do but DON'T want to do:
1. Find a decent school district and put my children in different schools where I know no person that works there.
2. Find new doctors(family doc, psychiatrist, psychologist) that will provide quality care for my family.
3. Find another OB/GYN for my personal needs.
4. Find a new dentist for all of us.
5. Find a new church that will fill my family's spiritual needs. (This should really be first.)
6. Find my way around a new town.
7. Map another route back to South Carolina to my parents house.
8. Realize that if I am over 35 miles away from my family, they won't come visit. Ever.
I just about melted on the floor. I got so angry and mad about the whole entire deal. For once, I want it to be easy. It's nothing but work work work all the fricken time. While I know my husband would be there with us and not out to sea this time, I still have to do this crap because he's going to be starting a new job. I know it's my job as The Wife and The Mama to make all this stuff magically happen, but I just want a durn break, ya know?
I feel so old. I'm not some starry eyed new military wife looking for the next adventure. That's not how I roll. I love stability. I love knowing my place where I am. This just isn't me.
But, I have no choice. Thanks to a plummeting economy, we will have to go where my husband can find a decent job to take care of a family of five. Trust me, you can't live off a retirement check.
Right this moment, I'm just depressed/upset/sad/mad/tired over what I'm going to have to deal with in the next six months. Whatever and where ever God sends us, I'll make do because that's just what I do.
I just need a little bit of time to wallow in the pool of crap I'm in so I can get it over with, put my big girl panties on, and deal with it.
......and I quit smoking???