Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Well, what to do???

I think my world as I know it right now is coming to an end. Seriously. Pretty heavy statement to open with, huh?

After alot of soul searching and discussion and probably ALOT more discussion...I think I'm going to pack my kids up and move to be with my husband when he changes bases next year. I simply cannot believe I am even entertaining the thought. One thing drives me. I miss him. We all miss him. This single parent deal I'm doing right now sucks. I know women do it everyday and they do a mighty fine job of it (shout out to Coley-gurl on that one!). But they have to. I believe that when you don't have a choice, you pull up your pants and dive headfirst into doing what needs to be done. We decided before we got married that we wouldn't move the girls away from all they know and the security of routine and family. We didn't know it would be this hard to be apart.

My son is growing and learning so much every single day and Fred is missing so much of it. This past weekend we went to Virginia and had the nicest hotel room to stay in. Plenty of room for the 5 of us. That boy went crazy! Climbing and jumping and trying to open the door to get out. My husband just looked at me .....my guess was in shock? I just shrugged and said he's like that every moment that he's awake. Kills me that I can tell Fred that every day we talk on the phone but he just doesn't get it until he sees it with his own two eyes. I even sent him a pix text today with the cell phone when Vitt climbed up into the bathroom sink in order to reach the toothbrushes and just sat right down in it. I still shake my head over that one.

I didn't want to even think we would be moving until I kinda sorta brought it up in casual conversation to Paige. You know her? That high strung, anxiety ridden, low self esteem, the-world-hates-me Kid? Well, pick me up off the ground and knock me down again. She wants to go. Is begging to go. DYING TO GO. Get the picture? She feels she is in need of a change of scenery and a new adventure. Excuse me? This isn't a trip to Disney World sweetheart. (Even though we would be just a few hours from there). She begs me everyday to tell her I've made up my mind and we're going to start packing...to move next summer.

Can I be selfish for a moment? Truly? This is all I've every known!! I've moved from here twice in my life and only around 30-40 miles away and never for too long. I have friends that love me in spite of my sarcasm and brutal honesty. My mom is freaking next door, man!! She cooks when I don't feel like it!! And it's good!! Her health isn't the best. I worry about her. I take her to the doctor. I finally talked about it with my two closest friends. LF (life friend) and Chelle. Chelle and LF are mere acquaintances. I depend on both for my sanity. LF started crying time as I started talking about it. Everyday she calls me and before we're off the phone she is crying. We went to Virginia this past weekend and I called her when we left to come home and she made the comment that I was only gone a weekend and it drove her crazy. Chelle postponed her wedding so I could give birth and be in it. She has been battling secondary infertility for 2.5 years and I have battled beside her. Cheering her on...researching....backing her up. She just had a breakthrough surgery last week that should open the doors (literally and figuratively) for her to get pregnant. She is quiet when I tell her and then says she can't be selfish. I get upset saying that she will now get pregnant and I won't be here for her!!!! Yes, I too, am being selfish.

I want to go. I want one kinda sorta adventure before I settle in one place for the rest of my life. It's only for 2 years....3 years max. Then I will be back home to raise my kids and hopefully grow old gracefully . I want to be with my husband.

I just want every freaking body to be happy and I just don't know how to do it.


Crazy Me said...

Don't be afraid. Moving is wonderful! I was born in Ohio, lived in South Dakota for years, and now live in good 'ole Texas, which I love, but I always have the itch to move on to something new. I almost moved to Alaska after my divorce. It's amazing to get out of your comfort zone and find new places. I say, Go For It!!

Jacinda said...

Hope! I remember us talking about this one time online and I said if it was me I'd probably move to be with him. I know it'll be hard moving away from family, but FRED is your husband, you know?? (Not to mention Vitt's daddy.)

Oh girl, I know this will be a hard decision!!!!!!! Please let me know what happens. (Even though we've never taken advantage of the fact that we live so close, I feel like I'll miss you, though! LOL)