Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Handbooks

We joke in the South that every girl child born is slipped a handbook in the nursery at the hospital. In this sacred handbook, we are taught how to be Southernbelles. How to sip tea without smearing our lipstick. How to have manners and how to use them to our advantage. How to convince boys..then men....that we are helpless and need someone of their manly nature to help "Little ol' Me". There are many many things in this sacred book that cannot be mentioned for fear of reprisal from wiser, more mature Southernbelles. The book is to be detroyed by our sixteenth birthday so as not be accidentally picked up by someone is not serious about being ladylike. Don't get mad at the storyteller here, I am just passing down Southern folklore.

So I have instruction on how to be a lady. A nice handy handbook (that is, of course, destroyed by now because I am wiser and mature (note the lack of the word "old"..major rule giveaway)) to see me through life in this Southeastern United States.

I called my lawyer today. Talked with her right hand woman with whom I grew up with. (rule 37- Always inquire about each other's mothers. I am giving this one away because everyone should do this!) We spoke for about an hour on just what I can do. I can move these girls if I so desire. How about that? I can get reimbursed for all the medical bills of the past 3 years. Can we say Christmas will be sweet? And I can get an increase in support. Well, tighten my knickers..this is getting really really good. She told me this was the easiest win case she had seen in a while and she was ready to "dig in". During the course of the conversation she asked me why had I waited so long? I sighed and responded that divorces didn't come with handbooks. If they did, we women would be much better off. The issue of divorce and all the problems that arise with it make for a surreal life for a while and when you find yourself walking out of courtroom and you realize that you are indeed a free woman again....why, it takes a full six months for it to sink in. I'm not saying it stops you from dating...it just muddles the mind for a while.

And raising children. Where are the REAL handbooks? I want to know this, please. How do I handle this preteen ball of hormones who is the size of a small woman and during "that delicate time of the month", I'd put on a mechanical bull in the rowdiest bar around and then tell her to fight her way to the front door and know she would make it with no problems? And Dear Sweet Lord above....how do I stop the eye rolling????? How do I keep refraining from letting my hand fly out and knockin' those eye balls back to the front in proper alignment? And how do I handle being told that I am basically stupid and have absolutely no clue about anything?

And toddlers. How do I keep taking him by the hand and leading him out of the fridge at least 50 times a day? How can I make him understand that it is NOT his personal air condition? How do I keep him out of my dryer..my brand new top of the line (shout out to starblder! It was a present from him!! smooches shugah) dryer that I treasure because it can dry a load of jeans in 25 minutes flat? How do I make this sweet little man understand that toothpaste is NOT one of the major food groups and should not be consumed by the mouthful?

There are so many situations that a good sturdy handbook would come in handy. I have a bookcase that I am willing to donate shelves to the cause.

Handbooks I am Interested In:
"How to Keep My Sanity When Preteen is Acting like a Froot Loop"

"How to Handle the Most Stubborn, Strong Willed, Temper Tantrum Throwing Toddler This Side of the Mason Dixon Line"

"How to Use Subliminal Messages in Nickelodeon's Shows to Brainwash my 6 Year Old to Pick up After Herself"

"How to Turn Down McDonald's Buy 2 Bacon, Egg, & Cheese Biscuits for $2.00"

I'm so positive that there are more that I am interested in and would love to own. I NEED these books, people. By the way, I do not eat both biscuits. One is for Vitt, he eats the middle out of one. True ladies DO NOT eat two biscuits in one sittin'. It's rude and not classy at all. And if you accuse us of it, be prepared- we will use tears if we have to. It's in our arsenal.

3 comments:

Jacinda said...

2 for $2?!?! I'd be all over that! I'd find someone to share with!

starbldr said...

Southern Belles are what I enjoy most about being a southern man. Even when the yankee men come down they may tell us how they "do it better in Chicago", but they always comment on how we have it better in the female department. And as far as the teenager. I haven't had the pleasure of raising girls. Raising boys is different. I am told that boys are easier. After helping my 19 year old get into school and a job he has made me so proud of him. And the 14 year old is now at the "I know more than you ever will" stage. But after having gone through it once. I can truly say. You will one day look back and say it was worth it. I promise!! As for the dryer, you are more than welcome.. glad to be of service.

Crazy Me said...

Well, if you find a place to supply all those handbooks, ask them if there is a "How to get Tech Boy to Stop Talking to Me" version that I can buy!!