Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Injured

No, not physically injured. That's not what I'm talking about here.

Have you ever just been biddy-bopping through life, doing your best, thinking all was well only to run head first into a brick wall?

It seems I've been hitting a few brick walls lately. Apparently, I have hurt some feelings and I really didn't know I had done so. I think it's like I am in Clueless Land and when I realize that something is wrong? Then the ones I've hurt are so very hurt they don't want a blessed thing to do with me.

Then I'm the injured one. I guess some would say by my own hand.

My husband will be quick to tell you that I don't sit and harbor hard feelings. I don't hold anger and pet it and nurture it. If I've done something? I want to talk about it. I want to fix it. I want us to find common ground and go forward. If that man has done something that has hurt my feelings? He doesn't have to guess. I tell it like it is and put it on the table right in front of him. I'd like to think I'm that way with those I hold dear to me.

In the past 48 hours, I've discovered that I have hurt some feelings. Dang. That's the last thing I want to do. Thing is? I'm not allowed to discuss it with the hurt-ee(s) as this person(s) won't acknowledge me. Note: If you ever want to make me pay for what you say I've done? Not talking to me is the worst punishment. You win. I give. UNCLE. The inability to defend myself and/or state my side makes my blood pressure sky rocket. It causes me to lay in bed at night and wonder ....what?.....why? There. I just gave too many people complete power over me right there.

I called Neighbor Debbie earlier to make sure we were cool. Seriously. I haven't really seen or spoken to her in days as life has had us too busy. I had to clarify that if she were to ever get mad at me, let's talk this mess over. Let's get it straight. She's like me in that she, too, doesn't believe in holding hurt inside.

I have made efforts to communicate with the hurt-ee(s). More than once. I can't make them communicate back. How I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better. How I wish I could just find out exactly what is going on so I can fix mis-communication...clarify what I said/did . If I deserve my sentence, then I just want to know the charges.

Some of you may wonder why on earth I'm putting this here on my blog. Cuz it's my blog. I can't even think about another post when this subject is heavy on my mind. Also, I wear my feelings on my sleeve...and my face. I would never win at poker.

I have an inkling that the person(s) I've hurt may read this. Maybe a public plea for communication will sway them to drop their walls long enough to get this straight.

I try hard to be "good people". Thing is? I'm not perfect. There was only one perfect One and I am no where near His status. I have flaws and I have personality quirks. I just want the chance to fix whatever is wrong.

How do you handle hurt feelings? Do you ignore it? Do you ignore the person who caused it? Do you like to talk about it and get it past you? I'm right curious to know this as I am very obviously not handling this well at all.

15 comments:

Krys72599 said...

Hmm, I don't know how I handle things like this.
A few years ago I would have just blown up, confronted the hurtee (or hurter, depending on which side of the hurt I was on), and been done with it.
Then my husband came along and he's most definitely a lover, not a fighter. In fact, he downright refuses to fight. [Did too much of it with the ex, apparently.] He just internalizes, gets real quiet, then after a day or three, apologizes and all is right with our world.
Me? I slam things. Doors, books, windows, dishes. Whatever is in my hand. And I make hand gestures. Behind people's backs. And I curse them out, cry and complain and yell at my mom, basically get it off my chest (and she usually tells me I'm right, except for when I'm not, which makes me feel better).
Then I wait for them to apologize, 'cause you know, it's never my fault... ;-D
Except for when it is, then I apologize profusely and promise to try to never let it happen again.
'Cause being in the middle of a fight, even one where you don't know what you're fighting about? Uh-uh - it's not happy and I like to be happy.

The family said...

Hope -
I completely understand this frustration/pain that you speak of. There is a person that I have sent multiple apologies (via a wide variety of methods)to and yet...she chooses to still not talk to me. I still honestly don't even know how long she was mad and what for. In my situation it is more than a friend - it's family.
The best you can do is to keep loving them and hoping ( and praying) that their heart will be softened and they will open up to you and your well meant apologies.Take the high road - is what I always say. Its hard though because you want to call and say "GIRLFRIEND- what the heck is your problem?!?!?"

We all love you though - does that consolation help? Let me know what else I can do sister!

USS Retired said...

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're having to suffer this way. I know exactly what you mean - been there and, in fact, am wodering if I may be there even at the moment with the one who was/is/has been my best friend for nearly 19 years except that we haven't spoken in the last two AT ALL and it's tearing me up inside. BUT -- there's only so much I can do to make communication.
Closure, reasoning, anything would be nice but I've had to accept that I may not ever get those, pick up, dust off and try my best to go forward.
I hope that you don't have to suffer this and that your *hurt-ee* will make an honest attempt through communication with you to fix whatever has gone wrong. It's a horrible feeling you're suffering right now. I KNOW.
But you also have to accept that the problem MAY not actually be you and rather the other person.
Get your heart off your sleeve, suck it up, girlfriend and have faith in yourself. Faith that even if you did offend or hurt someone that you KNOW it wasn't intentional.
You've made your plea and there's nothing more really you can do. The ball is now in the other persons court either catch and patch or to just throw right back in your face.
I know this isn't exactly the response you were looking for but I hope I've offered at least some encouragement.
I hate to see someone as sweet and tenderhearted as yourself hurt like this.

Miss Hope said...

Thank you Miss Krys, Stef, and Miss Ma'am's Mom for the words of encouragement. I can only pray that this effort on my part will show my sincerity in wanting to make things right.


....I really am blessed to know you all......

Busy Texas Dee said...

Hope not everyone handles hurt in the same way. I know that one. I am in fact one that holds in stuff until I burst and then it's usually a full forced blow. I am really trying to change that because I know it's not fair to hold things in like that. Unfotunatly Ashley has followed in my footsteps. I keep tell her not to hold feelings in but she does. I hope she learns to handle it a little better than I do. Also as you know from our communication that I have issues with my husbands family. I don't feel I (we) deserve what they are doing but like you and I discussed we are better off. I know it's hard but I know I gotta let it go. I still hear things about them and most of the time I have to laugh. You know the situation so you can understand why I said that.

Unfortunatly in your situation all I can say is if they are that upset and don't want to talk maybe they just need some time and if that doesn't work then I guess they weren't the kind of friends you thought they were. I know I've never met them but that's my opinion and if they want to be mad at me then that's ok, because everyone has their opinions and no one can take that away from us.

Mellie said...

oh you know I step on more toes than a soccer team has! You've done what you can in this case until the other person/people want to meet you halfway. I do hope they decide to do that, because you Miss Hope ARE good people and anyone should be blessed to have you in their life. I don't confront much anymore, but that's lost me more friends than saying my peace, so don't you go changing who you are for anyone. You just keep loving and keep trying and keep praying - they'll come around.

Michelle said...

We talked...and talked today so no need for the long comment....and thanks, I feel better..hope you do too (at least a little bit)

Work it out...life is too short...at least TALK and let my girl in on what the issues are...I mean..kids are at stake here too...come on????

Monogram Queen said...

You are definitely "good people" - monogram queen reccomended even.

I sincerely hope the person reads your post and reaches out to you.

I confess, I can be a grudge-holder sometimes. I come from a long line of grudgeholders. Seriously. I plead genetics! BUT I am also quick to forgive when it is sincere.
Okay i'll shut up now!

The family said...

I'll vote yes on the "good people" stamp of approval offered by Monogram queen.

Get Off My Lawn! said...

In conflict resolution and education circles, at least the ones I travel in, there is a model that I need to keep in mind. Picture a small circle. This is all the things you have influence over. Then picture a much bigger circle around it. In this circle are all the things which concern you but over which you have no influence or control.

You can't control what other people do and they get to decide how much influence you have. All you can control is what you do and how you react to your environment. Picturing things this way helps me let go of things over which I have no control. Don't stress yourself about it.

In my experience, people that cut you off eventually try to pick up your relationship as if nothing ever happened. You might want to talk it over, not everyone likes this. You'll have to decide whether to let them let it lie or just carry on.

Probably, that's not much help. But it gets me through my days.

Jill AKA busymom said...

I have to agree with Lawn and Mellie. There are only so many things you can control, so don't be so hard on yourself.

I have never met you but I think it is safe to say whatever you did was not done out of malice or with ill intent...but this person has been hurt.

So how do you fix something you don't understand how it got broken in the first place? I am there with my expartner in the preschool. Our daughters have been together since the first grade and they are graduating from high school this year. I am not sure where the disconnect came in, but it did and it caused devestation in so many ways.

I have tried to tell her....but she wouldn't listen to me....so now she misses me...but still won't listen to me. What am I to do?

I have just decided to leave it with God...He can heal me, He can change the situation if He deems it to be so. Me I have to pray and wait.

Neighbor Debbie said...

I will have to admit you threw me just a bit when you called and asked if I was mad at you. I thought good lawd I just talked to u the other day and I dont remember being mad. Then you explained it all to me. I do have to say thank you for askin just in case. I guess it is better to at least find out who you didnt make mad. I told you yesterday if I do get mad I will let you know that I may not want to talk about it right away, but I will talk about it eventualy. I do agree with Lawn and you can only control what you do and say. You have tried to reach out and make amends. You cant MAKE that person(s)talk to you. So in my eyes you have done all you can do. Now the ball is in their court as it were. Ya know I love ya Sis.

Anonymous said...

I'm certainly not upset with you. You know I'd try to talk things out with you. I think we've had some pretty deep conversations. I guess I'm pretty blunt at times. Anyway I hope you find out who and can discuss it and work things out.
Love mil

AndreaLeigh said...

For me, it really depends. If I know I've done something to upset someone that is warranted, then I'm genuinely contrite and apologetic. Especially if it is a close friend or someone significant in my life.

But I've learned the hard way from different situations, jobs, volunteer positions that some people just overreact and are too sensitive. Some people get mad for no reason. Some people don't like to hear the truth.

You can't always deal with those people, unfortunately. Just live your life the best you can, say you are sorry when you need to, and move on.

Denise said...

I don't have much to add to what everyone else has said, so I'm just going to reaffirm that you can only control your own actions and reactions. You're making the effort; it's now up to the other person to receive it. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's painful all around.

My usual response is to shrug and say, "fine, whatever" when I'm treated that way. It's not the most mature response, but I've learned through hard experience that I have to let it go as much as possible, or it will eat me up inside. I hope you're able to work it out!