Christmas Season 2006

Another successful Christmas mission accomplished.

On the way home last Saturday, Paige made the comment that she felt she could go faster than our van was going down the interstate. That baby was ready to see her Nana. And Paige is the only person I know who can make friends with other people on the interstate. She got out her green and red markers....got a few note cards and proceeded to write this on them and put them in the window on her side.

"HO HO HO"

Merry Christmas!

one card had a Christmas tree with presents underneath.

I was in the left lane passing another fellow mini-van who had NO IDEA what cruise control was. It was a young driver who, when she looked at Paige's window...did a bouncy "ho ho ho" and waved at Paige. That's my Paige...never meeting a stranger.

Christmas Eve we went to our home church for a cantata. Our choir rocks and I just felt that was the best place for our family to be before we headed over to Mama's house to open all the goodies. It pissed Makenna off. She read the program and counted down the songs as they were sung. Well, they didn't really put the last song on the program and when they started singing....that sister was just disgusted.

She said..."Can we just go already?????"

We stayed for the rest, of course.

We cut our visit short due to illness. I was feeling puny and Big Daddy decided we would head on back to Georgia in case I needed to go to the doctor on Friday. The military will close a facility for any reason they can think of, so we knew if I got worse.... it would be Tuesday before I could be seen.

Apparently, we were all sick....Fred being the exception. After going rounds with Tricare yesterday, we were all four seen. This is how it went. Vitt- upper respiratory infection, Makenna- Upper respiratory, Paige- sickest out of group- sinus and upper resp. And me?? Throat infection. JUST LOVELY.

One quick visit to the base pharmacy and our medical needs were met. For free.

We also have house guests that came back with us. My nieces Emily and Erica are visiting whilst their mom- my life friend Lu- goes on a cruise. The dog. The twins are loving Georgia and I truly enjoyed having them here with us. Lu is gonna pick them up Sunday on her way through and I do believe I might miss them. But, whoever said boys eat alot......they obviously didn't have girls. Good Lawd! This group is going to eat us out of house and home!

So, today, we're just all hanging around in our gowns....taking it easy. The girls all got a webkin for Christmas. It's a stuffed animal that you can go online and "raise" it. They're all red-eyed from staring at the computer. Emily says, "This is the bestest present EVAH". (She's a Southern Belle in training)

I am employing evil ways around here, too. They were all excited at the fact we're going to have hot dogs and fries for supper. They smelled a trick when they had to eat a good salad for lunch. Eating three bites...thinking they were done? I offered to put the bowl in the fridge so they could finish it for supper. We had very clean bowls by the end of the meal.

I heard we're having a new year coming in tomorrow night. 2006 was such a life changing year for me....for my family. I look forward to HOPEFULLY having a peaceful non-stressful year in 2007.

Yeah, right.

To Ya'll Out There in Internet Land

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM MISS HOPE. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS. MAY HE KEEP YOU SAFE THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON AND BRING YOU SAFELY INTO THE NEW YEAR.

We'll see ya in a week.

Remember...coal will eventually turn into a diamond.

To My Son

Dear Vitt,

You are two. And because you are two, you don't realize what Mama and Dad have to do in order to get this family of five home for Christmas. Mama has been washing and cleaning all day long to prepare for a packing frenzy before she goes to bed. Daddy worked all day and has run errands trying to wrap things up. We just have the best intentions of leaving this house around 7 a.m. because we are ready to get home, son!

And can you believe that I actually had the insane thought to clean my jewelry today so it would be all sparkly and pretty for pictures taken in the next week? I know I used one of your teeny medicine cups and put it to the side. My idea was to clean it all before going to bed and have it laying out to dry. Why, I even threw Makenna's earrings in for good measure!

The stool. Oh, how you love the stool. You utilize that tool every single chance you get. Hence an hour or so earlier. You pulled that stool right up to the kitchen sink to play in the faucet. That's cool. But, then you had to spy the teeny cup sitting there. And you were dying of thirst. And proceeded to dump said cup so you could quench that thirst.

Then I walk in. And lost all semblance of composure and religion I had in my body.

Little Boy, you better be glad your Daddy will stick his hand down the garbage disposal. You better be durn glad he knows how to dismantle the garbage disposal under the sink when there was one single little earring left to find.

And you better extra durn glad it fell out when he did.

It sure saved your butt from getting choked for Christmas.

love,
Mama

Countdown

Makenna is on the other side of driving me crazy here. I made the mistake of giving her Santa's website which shows the countdown to Christmas by the minute. She is accessing it on Fred's laptop every five minutes. I do believe she is a tad bit excited.

I'm not too sure how to do this, but I'm going to give you the link to check it out. It's not a bad site to leaving running on your puter.

http://www.emailsanta.com/

I'd get Paige to fix it all fancy, but girlfriend is sleeping in. I'm glad someone is able to.

Party at the Mansion

Let's get one thing straight, shall we? We all know that this particular family lives in the bottom floor of this dwelling. We have neighbors on top to the right and neighbors on top to the left. For all intents and purposes, I guess you could call it apartments. Well, we, and we being the tenants of this said structure....call our homes The Mansion. Why, you ask?

Well........

1. Looking at it from the outside...it's huge. Like a big house.

2. Anyone I know living in a crib this big ...lives in a mansion.

3. Neighbor upstairs brings home a valid point. We have 8 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, 3 dining rooms (we opted out of that on one side), 4 great rooms, 3 laundry rooms (we only use one)...and enough kitchen space for a restaurant.

4. We all meet in the outside foyer once a day, weather permitting, to sit and chat.

5. And the decorations outside? "Officially" on our lawn....but gladly shared to let others take part and do their own decoratin'.

Just like a family.

This morning, neighbors in C came down to visit me whilst I wrapped presents. I told them to please come and eat supper with us tonight. I wanted our "family" to do something special before the downstairs unit cleared out to head back to South Carolina for Jesus' Birthday. We also contacted Ms. Unit D to inform her of our plans. Her new hubby is out in the field (military field, that is) working until Saturday morning and she's feeling the depressing feeling of being lonely.

How excited we were! We decided to order pizza so no one would have to cook or clean. I had desserts and Miss Neighbor C said she would bring something also. We set the time for 6:00 p.m.

Then I worked those girls of mine like cheap labor when they got home from school. We swept and mopped and straightened and lit really good smelling candles. Our house ....on one side....looked awesome! We were standing there all proud, then I looked at them and said...well, we're half-way done...we'll do the other side tomorrow. ha ha ha ha ha ...yes, I know I am evil.

What a good time we had. I had picked up presents for the couples but was not expecting a single thing from them. They came bearing gifts. My goodness. We had supper at our table with enough room for all when we added the girls' desk chairs. Mister C sang some karaoke with Paige afterwards. We opened gifts. The old folks (that would be Fred and I) drank coffee.

It was a really good time. These kids won't be able to go home for Christmas. They will be working for our country. I am so very proud of them and wanted to do something special for them. Instead, they turned the tables on me and showed me just how special they are.

They are ready for us to come BACK home next Friday.

We made it official. We are all Mansion-Mates.

Music Trivia

Fred and I have always played this game since we started dating back in 2001. I've had a love for music since I was a wee one. My dad had an 8-track player that I inherited as a young girl and my listening choices were CCR, Three Dog Night, and Dionne Warwick. I know there were more, but I tended to gravitate towards these three more. My friend Debbie and I always quizzed each other on artists and song titles going through elementary school until we finished high school. She and I are number one fans of the movie Dazed and Confused*...the music just ROCKS in that movie.

So, as we were dating, when a song would come on, I would be quick to ask.....Who sings this? or What year did this song come out? My whole life revolved around songs. I have a song for every memorable occasion in my life.

Fred's not a real good music trivia player. He gets them wrong more often than he gets them right. I amaze him with my recollect sometimes. I'm not saying he doesn't appreciate good music. He sings along with the songs from back in the day and has a few memories of his own.

Yesterday we were driving to the commissary on base to get groceries. I make him go with me so he can pick out a couple of meals that HE will cook. I figure if he likes the food...he'll be more inclined to cook it and give me a break.

On the radio came a classic. Frosty the Snowman. The original. Quick as a wink I said....Who sings this?

Get this.

Quick as a wink he replied..Burl Ives.

Can you believe it????? He can't remember songs by Bon Jovi or Michael Jackson....prominent songs from his teen years...but he can remember BURL IVES?????

I just looked at him. Then I proceeded to tell him how sad it was that he could remember that name and hardly any of the other songs. I laughed because it just really caught me off guard. I honestly was not expecting him to know the answer.

Then I told him...I'm going to blog about this. You know that, right?





*We all know that Dazed And Confused promotes the ideas of smoking weed...underage drinking and teen sex. I didn't say I supported these ideas at all. But, the movie is hilarious and the music is just superb. And Matthew McC.? (I just can't spell his last name) I never thought a man looked good with sideburns until I saw his.

Is it Okay?

I just saw something on the morning news that kind of bothered me. The topic of discussion was, "Is it okay to say Merry Christmas?".

Well, in a nutshell, yes it is.

Have we forgotten that we live in America?

Have we forgotten that we are, for all intents and purposes, a free country?

Have we forgotten why our forefathers left England...and that others immigrated to this fine land of milk and honey?

Have we forgotten why so many of our sons have died in years past?

I am famous for my love of America. If someone knocks at the door, I don't have to answer. And if I don't feel like doing it, I don't. It's simple as that. If I check the peephole and there's a piece of formal paper saying that the law has reason to search my house, I might be inclined to open the door and see what the fuss is about. But, I am a law-abiding citizen, so I really have no fear of that happening.

If the phone rings and I don't feel like talking to the person showing up on caller i.d., then I don't answer. Simple as that. Living in a country such as ours gives me that sweet privilege.

If I want to get up on Sunday morning and go to the church of my choice...then I do. And I choose to go every Sunday morning with my family of five to worship the Lord. A Free Will Baptist church to be more exact. We pass a few churches of different denominations as we go to our own...with parking lots full.

My husband works for the citizens of the United States to protect these rights that have been hard-won. He's put in 17 years of his life.....been in places that he can't even tell me about...to insure our children can keep these choices that most take for granted.

I get so....well, pissed off, for lack of a better term, when stupid discussions are held over issues that really aren't relevant to our continued survival as a free country.

If I choose to say Merry Christmas, then I will. If I choose to add my Blessings, then I will.

I live in the UNITED States of America.


MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL..........

Blessed Child

Time for the Christmas play at church. Parts have been assigned. Makenna was chosen to be the donkey. She has to crawl on all fours and tote Baby Jesus.

She is not happy.

In fact, she's right insulted and pissed about the whole deal.

I tried to explain to her that you can't always get the good parts. That the donkey was VERY important in the grand scheme of things. God picked that one particular animal to tote Mary safely to Bethlehem. So, she really does have a good part.

She ain't buying it.

All we get when we try to talk to her about it is one little girl sitting in the chair with her legs crossed primly...arms crossed over her chest...and the reply...

"Makenna don't do donkeys."


She will this year.

It's Only Fair, I Supose

It's only fair that I tell on my own self.

Last night, Paige went to a Christmas Sunday School party. After getting home, she and I were over in the west wing of the house...she on the laptop and me on my computer. We were talking about the party and playing the best game EVAH.

I have all these cubby holes on my desk that I have stashed lots of things in. Order in chaos kind of thinking. In one, I knew there was a bag of vanilla wafers that I keep for Vitt in the mornings. I decided I wanted a couple of those cookies.

I was playing the card game while reaching for the bag..that was behind some papers.

Now, Vitt has this fascination with shoe laces. If he finds a shoe with a lace...he finds it necessary to remove them. Drives us crazy trying to keep up with them. Apparently he had taken Makenna's brown ones out and I had stuck it in the cubby for safe keeping.

It was wrapped around the bag.

And I pulled the bag out without really looking.

And the shoestring came with it.

And...well.....it scared me.

So I screamed.

And started shaking my hand like crazy. While still holding on to the bag of cookies.

I startled Paige, too, and she wanted to know what was going on. I was explaining to her as I am to you and then I finished with....."All I know is I HAD TO SAVE THE COOKIES!"

She thought this was the funniest thing in the entire free world and almost hurt herself laughing at me.

I guess you had to be there.

Telling on Paige

I'm almost positive I've told you how Paige is now cooking our meat on the George Foreman grill. She has completely taken over that part of the meal on Sunday and is asking for the GF 5. Didn't know such an animal existed. Soooo.... you think she wants the upgraded grill or the ipod nano?? I know which one I'd wish she really wanted.

So, today she and I are cooking Sunday dinner after getting home from church. I'm running around taking care of everything but the meat. She is manning her grill with her tongs and spices. We were finishing up for the most part when she said to me,

"This is going to be some GOOD meat because I've been licking the air."

She. Kills. Me.

Mass Confusion...you know, the usual

Fred and I are going to his Christmas party this evening. And I really want to go because the Navy dishes out some really good door prizes, people. And don't be jealous.....it's the least they can do!

Three weeks ago, I asked our upstairs neighbor if she could watch Vitt and Makenna while we go. She's a great girl and with three younger siblings...I know she's quite capable. So, the younger two are to go upstairs with her and Paige can do her bachelorette thing down here in our home. Works all the way around.

This morning Mistress Scrooge asks if Vitt can stay with her. She will be lonely. He is fun.

HUH?

We've decided to let him go ahead and stay with her. Rudolph and Frosty are to come on tonight, so that's two hours of pleasure viewing for the two of them and she can lay down with him to go to sleep. Miss Upstairs Neighbor will be nearby if Paige should need immediate assistance.

What about Makenna?

That sister will go on upstairs. I don't think Paige's generosity extends to letting her sister live if left alone with her.

Besides, Mak can scam a foot long coney from Sonic out of neighbor. She's good that way.

I'm going to squeeze him to death.

I know. Two posts in one day. Deal with it. I'm like a solar eclipse. It happens once in a while.

So today is trash pick-up day. And Vitt is like any other little boy. He loves him a big truck. He has the blinds open so he can see the truck stop at each building, put the cans on that lifty thing, and ride on to the next.

The truck is in front of our house. OH JOY, PEOPLE! There is a female driver today. She is sitting there looking as bored and out of place as she can. It is apparent that she went through no extra trouble appearance-wise to drive the trash truck today. She glances towards our building and there's my baby...waving frantically and hollering "HEY! HEY THERE!" A small transforms her face as she waves back just as big. They both wave big and wild as she drives off.

She has a smile on her face. She is someone's hero.

Feeling Right Froggy and Good to Go

I never had family out of state until I married my husband. All my family is for the most part, local. After acquiring a Yankee hubby, I acquired his lovely family that were nowhere near local.

So, every year, we struggle to get Christmas done and mailed in time. And we have not had that many successful years. The year I was pregnant.....well, it was a bad year. The presents SO didn't make it on time. In fact, if I remember correctly...they were a few months late!

This year I vowed would be different. And it is! YaY!

We finished shopping for his family this past Tuesday evening and it was so easy. We have not had such a easy shopping experience where we found good stuff for every single person. Even the brother in law I've never met! Last night I sat and wrapped each gift lovingly and put cute computer generated personal labels on each gift. Because I was pushing to get them done, Fred decided to be generous and pick up supper to go. We all decided to ride to pick up supper. As we're driving along listening to Christmas music on the ALL CHRISTMAS MUSIC STATION...my husband is sitting in the driver's seat dancing to an old favorite. I've been fighting a cold or allergies and wasn't catching a groove. I looked at him and said...I know why you're in such a good mood. Oh?..he said. Yeah, said I, we've got your family totally done and you're a step ahead of them and catching all kinds of attitude. Nah, he said, with a grin. Sure.

And Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge? Sir, we have in our home, your long lost great great great great grand-daughter. Her name is Paige and she's got to be the sourest (my word invention there) person I've EVAH seen. She has nothing good to say and any moment I keep expecting her to say BAH! HUMBUG! So, Fred and I piss her off by commenting that we're not going to let some snotty 12 year old bring us down, etc etc etc. Nothing grates her butt worse than being talked about like she's not there.

I've even considered doing the 3 ghost thing. Past, present, and future. Was really warming to the idea until I realized that if we did that......she'd probably have to be in therapy for being scared to death. So not worth it.

I'm going to get a little container of glitter and start sprinkling her with "HAPPY CHRISTMAS" dust when she goes sour on us. Joseph, the shepherds, plus the baby lambs.......she'll be glittered from her head to her toes.

Thanksgiving Holiday 2006

Thanksgiving Holiday 2006 is now officially over. Thank goodness. We went home for the week as there were many things to do in a short amount of time. It was nice until I realized when I had one minute to sit down....I had no computer! I had nervous twitches thinking about all the spam and emails I was missing. Cold sweats haunted me when I'd think of all the good deals I would be missing on my favorite websites. I don't necessarily buy all the time...but I sure like the option if I so choose.

My son was asking to come "home" around Tuesday. How on earth do you explain to a two year old that he IS at home and that home is in Georgia also? He was so confused by the time we pulled out Saturday and in desperation, I asked him if he wanted to ride his "Bee-Bee"? (that would be bicycle for the rest of you) OH YES! After a grueling almost 6 hour drive that normally takes 4 hours, we pulled back in to unload two vehicles stuffed to bursting with purchases and containers of Christmas ornaments and decorations. He went straight to the bike. My conclusion to that is....home is where the bike is.

The girls spent Wednesday through Saturday with their father. His in-laws have a time share in Hilton Head and that's where they went. Bless his heart. He thinks he is the MOSTEST ....and he owns nothing....it all belongs to the in-laws. Apparently the girls had a good time until Paige suggested Makenna take a bath and step-mom said she was fine...didn't need one. Of course, Paige being my child....informed them that that was just nasty. So started the fireworks. My phone then went haywire with all the text messages she started sending. Paige has come to conclusion that she can visit her father...but two days is the limit. After that, it all goes downhill. I found out after we met them off of I-95 enroute home, that the step-mom made a few remarks about me. I just shrug them off because she seriously means absolutely nothing to me. Paige? Well, sister won't let anyone talk about her Mama. That's my girl.

Fred and I got to go to a soiree at my old friend's house. We were aghast to realize it had five years since we had a get together. It was the best time. It took all of 30 seconds to fall back into our routine of dishing ancient dirt on each other and literally screaming with laughter. We had left Vitt with the oldest "adopted" grandkid so she could earn some cha-ching to shop with and we kept putting off leaving. Finally, we picked him up around 1 a.m. I wouldn't even go in because of the shame of being so late. Ah, good times. Good times. Before we left, we decided to get started around 4 p.m. next time since we all had kids now. We'll still be 1 a.m. picking the kid up.

Fred, myself, and our partners in crime did hit the Black Friday sales. It was simply marvelous. My husband and I make a good team. Breakfast was great and so was the four hour nap I took when I got home. We're still marveling over the good deals we got. We're like that...Fred and I.....we'll discuss things to the absolute death!

Now to prepare for Christmas. My body has decided to come down with a bout of bronchitis since I'm back and really need to get some stuff done. But, time and shopping wait for no one.

The Shredder

Never EVAH send a man by himself to buy something simple. I know this. Yet, I did it anyway.

Fred and I have been discussing buying a shredder for a while. Back home, I used my mom's when the junk mail pile got too high and it sufficed. Now, that we're in Georgia, there are things that are not easily accessible....hence the purchase of a new shredder.

I'm not all about fancy. Or high tech. Just give me something simple that'll get the job done and I'm smooth.

Earlier tonight Fred volunteered to run to the Super M and get some creamer for me. I am out and the thought of enjoying a Saturday morning cup of coffee without it made me very sad. Very sad indeed. He mentioned as he was going, he would pick up a shredder. No problem. I was sitting outside chatting with my neighbors..enjoying the evening. I really didn't think anything of it.

I knew better.

He came back around an hour later with a shredder. A forty something dollar shredder. Are you kidding me? Is it going to shred my documents AND take them out to the garbage can? But, Darling, it can shred DVD's and CD's and credit cards...etc etc etc. That's nice, dear...but why on earth would we need to shred DVD's or CD's???? And I have a perfectly good pair of scissors to decimate old credit cards.

~sigh~

Lord spare me from a gadget junkie. I hope he's gotten his fix for a while.

She might be a TAD too smart.....

Makenna has a field trip at school today. Nothing big or fancy...just a drive over to the High School to see a play young thespians are putting on.

And my children love to wear dresses. There is nothing more unattractive than a female who cannot wear a dress. I've seen children my own children's age that when put in a dress or skirt the first time.....suffice it to say it's a sad thing to witness. I've put dresses and skirts on my girls since they were born. They are comfortable in them and sometimes prefer to wear them. ~pats self on back~

When there are field trips such as this, a skirt is in order. And it's a cute little denim skirt. Tights that are black, red, and white striped, with a white long sleeved shirt. I remembered I had the CUTEST pony tail holder. A black fuzzy pom pom on a black pony tail holder. Put on the black mary janes and we are set, people!!

As I am dressing Makenna, the conversation goes:

Mom: Makenna, PLEASE pay attention and let's put these tights on right.

Makenna: ~trying to watch television~

Mom: Makenna, this has GOT to look right now, so quit looking at the t.v.

Makenna: ~sighs~ You ALWAYS dress me up for field trips. Why?

Mom: BECAUSE...when you are out and about, you are representing Blah Blah Elementary School, your teacher, and myself. You should look your best.

Dramatic pause......help us....she is thinking too hard.....

Makenna: I get it! You're using me!!! You're using me to make people think you're the world's greatest mom!!!

Mom: ~huffs indignantly~ I am not! But I do not mind people looking at you and thinking...."look at that little girl....she must be loved alot because her hair is fixed and her clothes are ironed..."

Makenna is holding the black pom pom pony tail holder while I fight her hair to look smooth and sleek.....

Makenna: Whatever. Hey, look Mom!!!

She puts the pom pom up to her nose

Makenna: With this I can be a GOTHIC clown. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Mom: Whatever.

Good Stuff

~peels wrapper off 'nother bite-sized candy bar~

~types with chocolate on tips of fingers~

So, have I told you how much I love Halloween? About how the timing this year was perfect...when I require certain amounts of chocolate in order not to kill the nearest person? About how I can tell the girls they can't have but so many pieces? About how I can hit that stash all day long while they are in school? About how I can totally blame Fred when all the good candy bars are gone?

Yeah, I like me some Halloween.

~peels the wrapper of a tootsie roll~

Yesterday I came into the computer room and saw like a dozen wrappers littered around the keyboard. I knew they weren't mine because I clean up my evidence. I started interrogating the girls. They were Makenna's. I asked her what on earth was she THINKING eating that much candy???? And I said it with a straight face, too. Her reply? "Mama, that stuff is so good and I just couldn't resist just one more....at least 6 times."

I feel your pain, sister.

Wonder who she gets it from?

Humph

Lawd, if I'm not ill with that man of mine right now.............

I'm not gonna air any laundry because that's just cheap.

Suffice it to say that it might have been puppies and rainbows in that last post of mine but now I gotta flip to other side of the coin.

Now I just can't hang up and refuse to answer the phone if I get all mad and stuff. I gotta sit there and look at him. Although he can now FEEL the daggers mine eyes are shooting his way instead of me wasting perfectly good expressions he couldn't see over the phone.

Yeah, he washed those dishes.

That's what I thought.

Nice

Why it's nice to live in the same house as your spouse.

Because if you're really tired and if you don't take a nap, you'll just die......

You can do it and the kids will get something to eat and get in bed and you won't be a negligent mother and Child Protective Services won't have to get involved.


Almost two years of being on my own with three kids while my husband protects OUR country.........


Being with him makes me appreciate him even more.

Life Happens

Life happens sometimes, ya know? For someone who is a stay at home mom, I'm too busy for my own good sometimes.

Makenna started dance. I bit the bullet and put that baby back in dance class. This studio is a little bit more professional than the one she attended back home. When I went to sign her up, I noticed the owner/teacher was a tad uptight. I say this because I tend to shoot off my mouth when I don't like something. The teacher informed me that Makenna would be wearing a pink leotard. Really? I said...I have at least 4 black ones at home, surely she can wear one of those. (Leotards are pricey, people!) She blinked. Hard. Then she informed me that Makenna wasn't up to that level as of yet. I see. Then I said...what is this? Like karate class? Colored leotards for levels? I was told that yes, indeed, it was like that. This woman was really into her studio and classes and I didn't want to burst her self imposed bubble and tell her that I have no intentions of sending Makenna to Julliard. I just want my kid to do something she enjoys...socialize a little bit...learn a little bit of grace and posture. So, I bit the bullet and went shopping. Quite a few dollars later, we had the pink leotard and new tights.

She came home from the first day ticked off. Apparently the teacher told the class they "were boring and needed to jazz things up." But, does she want to quit? Nope. She's gonna jazz it up some more. Next class was better. Either the class cooperated or the teacher was over whatever snit she was in the week before.

Paige got into the gifted class. YaY! For a moment. This school is kicking butt and taking names. She's struggling somewhat and she's never had to struggle with school. It's always come easy. She's already wanting to ditch the gifted and move down a level to AP classes. And I'm not going to let her. She hasn't really given it a chance yet and I won't raise my children to bail at the first sign of trouble. No sir. But to be honest? It's probably gonna end up kicking my butt and Fred's, too. The "discussions" we have to have with that kid are wearing us out. But I'm not giving up. Middle school is some hard junk. The girls are mean....the teachers are hard...and the boys act stupid. Ahhh, remember the good old days, folks?

Makenna. This is sweet. She came home from school with a paper for me to sign that stated the school wants to test her for the gifted program. She was so excited. She ran up to me with the paper and said....."Look, Mama! They want to test me for gifted! I think this means I might be a little bit smart!" Bless her heart. I agreed that she might be a little bit smart, too. She's blooming before my very eyes.

Vitt. He's a snob. We're working on potty training and while he's not completely ready...he will cooperate and go alot. I've bought Luv diapers and Pampers. Luvs are around the house and Pampers are overnight and go off. He refuses to wear the Luvs. Apparently he likes the stretchy goodness of the Pampers. The snobbery? He gets that from his dad.

So, that's a brief catch-up on our household. I still can't discuss Fred and how he's not on a boat right now and how I'm back to belonging to nothing and how the Navy is just a bunch of negligent overpaid jerks. I'm afraid I might get charged with treason and sent to Guantanamo Bay...........

Racing

Let me start by saying that I really never knew anything about NASCAR until I met my Yankee husband.*

All I knew was that there was a major track near my home and I would pass by it from time to time.**

So, Fred and I started dating. And he really like watching the races on Sunday. And I liked taking a nap. We have a really good workable system, you see. He watches the race and I doze. It's like the words, "Gentlemen, start your engines!"*** .....why those words have ether in them and I will literally pass out. And usually I will wake at the end of the race to see the grand finale. Has worked for me for a few years now.

Fred pulls for Dale, Jr. ~shrugs~ Whatever. Sure, I'll pull for him because I am ignorant in the ways of the sacred NASCAR. I will admit, though, that the few interviews I've seen...I've become a little partial to that bad boy Tony Stewart. Plus, that darling beautiful eyed Carl Edwards. He can do a back flip for me any day of the week.

Yesterday's race was in Talladega. That's in Alabama. And it's in the middle of nowhere. I know this because on our cross-country treks...we've gone past it. And it's a long race at Dega. Very long. Long enough for me to take a good nap and enjoy more laps at the end than I really care to.

Dale Jr. was close to taking it home yesterday. And that no-talent Vickers made sure he was SO not a hero. In a nutshell, he caused a fellow team mate to bump D.J. on the LAST FREAKING LAP...causing them to wreck...therefore coming up and winning.

All I gotta say is this.

If I was Dale Jr., I would do my "it's all good...that's how racing goes" speech, then I'd hunt that Vickers boy down....pull him behind the garage...and beat the living crap out of him.

THEN....(if I was Dale Jr.), I would have the biggest butt party you EVAH did see back at the house and totally not invite Vickers to it and make sure he knew that everyone got to play on Dale's backyard go-cart track. I would even go so far as to do a documentary of that day.

Okay. I am through being a redneck. I was just ...well, pissed at the injustice of it all. Here I am, trying to teach my kids to be fair, to play fair....and here's a grown man .......humph.

Good thing? After Makenna found out Dale was starting 33rd, she wasn't interested. She only watches if he's in the front from the beginning.



*I really believe that a Yankee is defined by being from out of the "circle". My husband says my circle is very small and unforgiving. ~shrugs~ It's my circle.

**Darlington RaceWay-The Track Too Tough To Tame

***Makenna can sing the National Anthem....and at the end she yells (everytime) "Gentlemen! Start your engines!" She's got to be the prettiest redneck around.

The Road To Ruin

My sweet Makenna.

Yesterday was our six month checkup at the dentist. I decided to just take a long weekend and stick with our dentist we've been with for forEVAH. Mak and Paige went back first. When Stacey, our dental hygienist*, brought Makenna out, she said Mak had a teeny tiny cavity that needed to be fixed. Our dentist is so wonderful. He decided to work Makenna in and fix that cavity before we left so I wouldn't have to rush and find a dentist here in Georgia.

While I was having my teeth cleaned by Ms. Stacey, they took Makenna on back. I made the comment that I hoped they wouldn't have to numb her mouth because we were eating lunch afterwards. It's amazing how Stacey and I can have a conversation while I have my teeth cleaned. We were almost done when I saw Makenna out of the corner of my eye.

She was wobbling around and snorting. Apparently they hit her with laughing gas. And it took. Very well. She was giggling and stumbling around. Talking about how they told her to breathe through her nose and all she saw was these two weird faces above her head. Talking about how she couldn't think straight and that was okay because..."THIS STUFF IS COOL!!!".

Stacey and I laughed so hard, I'm sure I had mascara down my face. Bless her heart. We put her in a chair in the cubicle where I was and she would be quiet....then all of a sudden start snorting and laughing over whatever was floating around in her head. I have no idea how my teeth were finished.

She ventured out into the waiting room with Paige and Fred. She ran into a glass wall. Paige got her jollies for the day off of Makenna.

As we were driving home down the interstate, I made the comment to Fred:

"So this is how kids get started on drugs. They go to the dentist and get hit by laughing gas and it's so cool they want more."


*I looked the word hygienist up so it's spelled right. HA! That's my work for the day.

Love Taps

We try to teach our kids not to hit another person. That it's violence and if they get into the habit, they'll end up in jail later on in life with an assault charge.

Now Paige has what I call a "free hand". She's quick to hit her siblings when they disobey her or just tick her off. But, this is teaching Makenna and Vitt to think quick...move quick. More often than not...she misses the mark.

Last year my friend Patty who teaches at Makenna's old school said she was standing in the hallway talking with another teacher. It was between classes and the hallway was full of students going in both directions. All of a sudden, she felt this pop on her butt. She turns quickly and as she scans the hall.....she sees Makenna looking over her shoulder grinning. Patty was the recipient of a good old fashioned love tap.

I also have a habit of having a free hand. I won't hesitate to pop my hubby on the butt when he walks by or I walk by him. I do it without thinking. I can guarantee you it's full of love, though, when I let that hand fly.

As I was standing in one of the kitchens* this morning...my son went running by. As he flew by to the other side of the house, I felt this pop on my butt. I couldn't help but grin. Then I heard the sweet little slap of bare feet on a tile floor coming back my way. I stood still to see if I would be fortunate enough to get another.......

I was. Got another love tap as he flew by.

So my wish for you this Wednesday is for you to give your own little love tap to someone special.....and remember to enjoy the ones you get.



* Have I mentioned how I love this house? I have two of everything due this being that sweet thing called a conversion unit. I've taken one kitchen and turned it into my laundry room. Pure heaven, folks.

Two Posts in One day? Wow!

I neglected to mention that today is my anniversary. Three whole years! Sometimes it feels like 30. And that's not a bad thing. It's just a good degree of finally being content. Content. I used to hate that word. It rubbed my backside the wrong way.

Now?

I like it just fine.

It's all Good, I guess.....

My mother in law left this morning after being here for two months. ~sigh~ I miss her already. Yes, I'm serious. She was such a HUGE help getting settled and into a routine of sorts. She was my partner at night when playing computer games. She taught my son sit in the corner for punishment. She got him started on using the potty. She tried her best to teach Makenna to put her shoes in her room when she takes them off.....I hate to say I think she failed at that one. She let Paige cook hotdog weinies on the George Foreman grill. Have you ever tried that? They are seriously good that way.

We had only been moved for a couple of weeks when she arrived. I still had many boxes left to unpack and sort through. We had no routine to speak of. So, in getting settled, we settled in with her as part of our lives and routines. Fred went out to sea and half-way through, came back in with an injury*. She considered going back home then, but we convinced her to stay. This was a perfect opportunity for her to spend time with her own baby...time she hadn't really had alot of in the past 16 years.

She helped me to discover the world of cheese. There were...and I counted.....8 different types of cheese in my fridge at one time. I'm not sure if I appreciate knowing that now I will have block mozzarella....provolone...and shredded Parmesan on hand because they taste good cooked in just about anything.

We were blessed to have tasted the bestest home made lasagna in the entire free world....TWICE. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

When I told her how much I was going to miss her....she told me it was time for us to be a family. Then I told her at least we knew now that if she had to come live with us when she was old and feeble...we could get along. She agreed.

She taught me that I can teach my kids how to act but in the end, it's their choice if they do it or not. No need to be embarrassed by their actions. I'm not saying I won't smack 'em if they forget their manners....or if they (they meaning Paige) decide to back talk an adult. It just helps to know I'm not the only parent to ever have to deal with it.

Yeah, Mrs. M., I'm gonna miss you.

Same time next year? I'll book your flight.



* Yes, Fred injured his knee. I can't post about it yet....because that would involve another "GOD, the Navy is SO stupid and negligent" post....and I'm just not in the mood.

A Conversation with Paige

I feel sorry for Paige sometimes. I really do. Her world right now is completely black and white. No gray no where to be found. Almost two weeks ago Paige had everything taken from her. Yes, I pulled a Dr. Phil. When I went to get her bedclothes to wash and fell twice between the door and her bed....I got extremely irate. I cleaned her room. Took me four hours. We had a "Come to Jesus" meeting when she got home from school. Life was not good around this house. Fast forward to last night. She's gotten her stuff back. She's happy ...for about 30 seconds. Her "friend" Dustin called. He's off restriction, too. YAY! Here's the conversation that followed.

Setting: We're all at the table eating supper. Paige is to my left.

Paige: Dustin and I get to talk again! I'm so happy we're both off of restriction. I felt naked without my cell phone.

Mom: Did you tell Dustin you got all your stuff back barring your mouth doesn't overload your butt?

Paige: Huh?

Mom: ~repeat above sentence~

Paige: Huh?

Mom: ~repeat above sentence~

Paige: I don't get it. What are you saying?

Fred: Do you know what the word barring means, Paige?

Paige: Is that the same thing as clubbing but with more alcohol?

Oh, Sweet Lord. She was serious. I sat there for at least 3 full seconds before I started laughing.......and couldn't stop.

Fred: No, Paige, that's BARHOPPING.

I gave up on the conversation after that.

Squirrels and Armadillos???

I just have to comment on this. In fact, I think I comment on this daily around the house. Everyone is about tired of hearing it here.

When we moved to Georgia, I really didn't think it would be that much different from S.C. I mean, the South is pretty much the South when you stay below North Carolina. You can't buy alcohol on Sundays and in small towns, the streets roll up at dusk.

After living in the T.V.Q.* for five days, we had a home. In the military, you have to attend a briefing before the keys are handed over. A briefing? Like in Top Gun? In a secret room? Pretty much. You're given a folder full of rules and regulations that make your eyes glaze over. And it's not so bad. Anything breaks or seems funny....call the housing office. They're usually pretty durn good about sending someone over right away to take care of the problem. I could get used to this. Our lady "briefer" (is that a word) was very matter of fact and kind of dry. She has since become my friend because I'm her "Old Newbie". That just means that I'm an old lady who knows nothing but am not afraid to call or go by and ask questions. Not to mention she and I have WAY more in common than the 18 year olds that flit in and out.

Anyway, Patty (said briefer) gave us the lowdown on the local wildlife. We are located in an inlet area. There are snakes. Uh, okay. There are alligators. Uh, okay. There are armadillos. Uh, okay. Wait a minute....there's WHAT????? I actually stopped the briefing at this point to make sure I had heard correctly. Excuse me, please. I thought such an animal was located in places like TEXAS? I seriously did not believe her. I thought she was pulling our legs. And to the point I actually wanted her to go get one right then and show me!

Well, folks, they're here. And they're ugly. And like a possum, they become road kill quite a bit. This is what messed with me the most.

Last week I went to pick Makenna up from school. As I sat in the long line and waited for the teachers to get their act together, I watched the students start coming out of the school. In the little grassy area, there was an armadillo. I sat up straight in my van and looked closer. I promise you.....that sucker was rambling around like he was a squirrel!! I expected him to scamper up a tree with nuts in his mouth any minute! And the kids walked around him and didn't pay one bit of attention. The horn blowing behind me reminded me to move up in line.

I am still in shock. Armadillos? In Georgia????

* I am becoming better and better at talking acronyms. Because that is how the military talks, you know.....in letters. T.V.Q.- transient visitor's quarters. Broken down for us civilians? A hotel on base for active duty. Very nice. Clean. and a room for you for the low price of $22.00 a night.

Mission Accomplished....I Think.....

I'm here. I'm still alive. I might question that at times.....

We've moved. We're in Georgia. I believe I'm still in a state of shock that I actually went through with it. Even when I pulled out of the yard in South Carolina behind my husband driving a U-Haul...it was surreal. My family stood in the yard waving. I tooted the horn and off we went. I think around 100 miles later I was thinking......I AM CRAZY. THAT WAS MY MAMA I LEFT BEHIND. THIS IS ALL I OWN EXCEPT WINTER CLOTHES IN FRONT OF ME ON THE INTERSTATE. I kind of had a nervous breakdown en route. Well, you would too if your husband called you on your cell and informed you that there was no house available on base and you might have to live out of a hotel room....for 14 days...with three kids.....and a U-Haul in the parking lot. I told him to turn that buggy around and head it back home. And he didn't. I had to follow him...he had my stuff...and Makenna. That kid digs riding shotgun.

It was a helluva month. There's no nice way to put it. I've got so many stories that I've called my Mama to share. I intend on sharing with you folks, too.

We've been through raging viruses...flu-like sickness.....and have come through to the other side. I am now able to appreciate alot of things around me. Like trash pick up.....garbage disposals.......DSL...OMG...why didn't ya'll tell me how sweet that is? I am getting spoiled to the point I may never be able to live in the country again. Boy, will that piss my Dad off.

I've learned that I am old enough to be the mother of alot of my neighbors. The sweet couple above us? Ages 18 and 19. How nice. Remind me to tell you about how their bedroom is above Paige's room. Oh yeah. She could really entertain you with that one.

Went to the clinic the other day with Fred (another story for another time) and I noticed some young fellows checking in at our base. Fred noticed the look on my face and asked what?? I said...someone needs to feed them!!! They looked like they had 15 inch waists and the pants were STILL falling off of them. What on earth were they doing? They needed to be in the bathroom putting clearasil on while eating cake. Seriously.

Let me get my stories straight so as to entertain you.

While I do that...please tell me how to get Sharpie marker off of the wall. (Thank you, Son).

Where do I start?.......Palm trees? the social life of a tween? fire ants? Armadillos?............

More than this Ol' Girl Can Handle

Folks, I may just lose my entire mind.

We're moving next week. NEXT FREAKING WEEK. Last thing I knew...we were considering moving and had 6 months to get prepared.

I don't think I've ever in my entire life agonized over something like this. I had a premature baby in NICU for a month and didn't agonize like this. The doctors made the decisions in there. I, in my immature wisdom, didn't know any better so I let them. Which was not a bad thing, mind you.

I had mastered the art of being an ostrich. I've completely buried my head in the sand and refuse to come up and realize exactly what I am getting ready to do. I'm leaving every thing I know. Everyone I know. I am a Taurus. We despise change. We thrive on routine. I have a pretty good one going here. My anxiety level is rising and in return, so are the kids.

I am going against every parenting skill I've ever learned by letting my two year old keep his pacifier when he sleeps at night. I keep thinking that I'm getting ready to traumatize him and it just wouldn't be kind to take his one security from him right now. We'll do it in a few weeks when things calm down.

The one realization that I have come to is this: If we don't go and be together as a family, then that will put my husband and I living apart for 4 years. Then when he comes back.....I might not want him in "my" house. We might need to get accustomed to each other while the gettin' is good.

My life friend from second grade is having a nervous breakdown. She won't even discuss moving or packing anything related with me when we talk. BUT, she's taking off two days next week to come stay with me and help me get the house straight. ~snort~

So, I shall be busy for the next week or so. Internet access is first on the list due to my job. I think as long as I have the coffee maker hooked up and the computer, I might just make it. Oh, and the cell phone charged.

Wish us luck on this new adventure we're getting ready to take. A prayer or two would be more than welcome, too!!!!!

You Decide...Stolen Property? ....or not?

I hate dealing with cell phone companies. I love my cell phone and the liberties that it provides, but I lose more enamel with some serious teeth grinding when something goes wrong.

Fred, Paige, and I had the same phone. Was a nice phone. Took pictures and all. Fred and Paige's started to literally fall apart. Fred and I took them in and got an upgrade on ours. I passed mine on to Paige. Now it's fallen apart. You want to talk about a sky high level of anxiety???? That sister is falling apart without that phone, man.

I find out that I can not upgrade hers because it is a secondary line. I look into the VERY young face of the guy telling me this and I say: "Fine. Then cut it off and waive the drop fee. I will not pay a monthly bill for a phone that I can not use and is obviously defective." I love the expressions sales people get when I climb on that high horse I keep in the back stable. I did take a tiny bit of pity on him and said..."Can we borrow a battery so she can at least get phone numbers?" The bottem had fallen out of the phone so the charger wouldn't work. He led me to the tech support desk. He went in back and brought a battery around. As he went to walk off, I asked what to do with the battery when I was finished? He said just hand it to the tech support guy. Cool.

That sister had almost 150 phone numbers in that phone!!!!!!!!!!! There's no way she knows that many people!!!!!! I started writing them down and got tired real fast of that crap.

I got the frustrated look and said...we're leaving. I'm not doing this. Paige is starting to freak...she NEEDS those numbers. I do the battery thing and hand one back to the tech guy. I turn and walk out of the door with one very upset tween and one clueless seven year old following behind me.

That chick grumbled the whole way to the van. When we got in and started to drive off...I said...."Paige turn your phone on." "BUT MOM...IT'S NOT CHARGED....IT WON'T!" I calmly told her to turn it on. It came on.

So, yeah, I kept the charged battery and gave them the dead one. It wasn't hurt. Just dead. I didn't have 30 minutes to sit and write phone numbers down.

Paige didn't know if I was cool or a thief.

I say no harm done. It was taken out of a bin of batteries and we needed the extra minutes to get the numbers down. The battery they got was perfectly fine.

Makenna kept looking to see if the law was coming to get me.

So. You decide. Am I a thief?

Sisterly Love

Remember that Paige's door is broken? That sister can rig something up if given enough time. She can close the door...sort of. She's gotten stuck in her room a couple of times and Houdini'd herself out somehow.

Tonight Makenna has to ask Paige something. She approaches the Door.

"Sissy, I need to ask you something"

"GO AWAY. GET AWAY. I'M ON THE PHONE. YOU'RE SO RUDE!!!!!! GO AWAY NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM"

"Sissy, I need my earrings, please"

"GO AWAY NOW!!!!!!!! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?????? MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM"

Makenna turns away in disgust and heads to the other end of the house. As she passes by me, I hear her mutter this:

"If I was a bear, I would so gnaw her."

Would You Care for Seconds?

I tell my son a thousand times a day to keep things out of his mouth. Sometimes you just get tired of saying the same thing over and over again. Yesterday he got hold of Paige's "Passion Flower" deodorant. Oh, yes, he did. I told him THREE times to put it down...DO NOT put that in your mouth, Son!!! What did he do? He smirked and proceeded to take a huge whopping bite out of it.

What did he do then?

He started hacking and gagging and spitting for all his worth. He frantically ran to the dishwasher, pulled the lid down, climbed on it, pulled the top rack out and started throwing cups over his shoulder in search for a sippy cup. By this time I am laughing so hard I can't hardly help him. I finally catch my breath long enough to fix him some juice.

Every time he took a sip, he'd lean over and spit better than any old man whose chewed tobacco for 30 years. Obviously the juice wasn't killing that passion flower taste. He continued to hack and gag for a good five minutes.

I continued to laugh until I just about peed my pants. Okay..so I did pee them just a tad. Man, was that funny.

Now, if you offer him the Passion Flower, he very firmly puts his hand up and shakes his head very matter of fact.

If only it were this easy to learn life's lessons.

Un-Married

If there is one thing that I have learned from the U.S. Navy is how to be unmarried. I have been married for 32 months and of the 32 months, my husband and I have lived together (and that is loosely defined) approximately 10 months of the 32 months. The past 16 months have put at least 330 plus miles between us most of the time. I have done holidays, birthdays, mother's day, father's day, and anniversaries all on my own. Of course the kids have been with me.

I have also learned how to defrost an ice maker. When to take the van in for maintenance. How often to balance and rotate the tires. How to balance my checkbook. How to dress four people to get to a function or church. I may be late sometimes, but I give myself a curve of sorts.

I've attended parent teacher conferences on my own. I've attended school functions and Award's Days. I've done a ballet recital that had 3 costume changes. I even remembered to bring the camera and snap a few pictures. Now my Sis in Law or mother may have gone to these functions with me, (niece was in recital, too), yet I've no backup if I've been sick.

Speaking of sick. I had walking pneumonia at the first of the year followed by two months of bronchitis and sickness. I did break down and beg my husband to come home and help me because I was seriously close to being hospitalized with all that mess. Of course he didn't come home. The Navy kinda frowns on you taking time to care for sick family. Now my husband says in his defense that by the time I got to the doctor was I getting past the pneumonia and upgraded to bronchitis. I say when I was begging him to come home...I was in the very very very sick phase of things. Always two sides to a story, huh?

I've attended gatherings alone where I had to smile and say that my husband was working when inside I was feeling like the backwards fat cousin in the corner waiting to be seen and praying that I wouldn't be.

I've had my hopes dashed rather rudely into the ground when my husband has called to say that he can't come home due to some higher up having a corn cob stuck up his butt. I've called that submarine many times to just chat with my husband about simple family issues that most people take for granted. That is, when they have shore power up and running. We've burned more cell phone minutes than a 15 year old with her first boyfriend.

I do complain but all in all I have learned how to be even more independent in this life of mine. And that's a good thing, I suppose. I'm not afraid to take care of my self or my children. There's no price you can put on that kind of knowledge or experience.

So the one thing that the United States Navy has taught me most of all? How to be on someone's Page 2, I think it's called, and have the military insurance. But most of all....how to be un-married. ....while still legally being married. Confusing life we military wives lead. Funny, I really don't feel like one.

Remind me to send the head of the USN a card, would you? I'm just not sure what kind as of yet.


**Some people will take this post the wrong way...as some people may be prone to do. And that's okay. No, I did not know what I was getting into when I married this man. I love him. That's the most important thing to me. I'm very proud of him and believe that he's a special person to do what he does. It's not him I have the problem with...it's his employer.**

I Think This Qualifies as an "Uh-Oh"

Um, I think I've made a mistake.

I love coffee. I crave coffee. That's the first thing I do in the morning when I wake up. I go straight to the coffee pot to get it going as I start getting the kids dressed. I will literally almost pee my drawers to get that pot going. I kid you not.

I pick up a pack of the disposable coffee cups everytime I go to the grocery store. My van is littered with them. I never walk into a meeting without a cup of joe in my hands. When we do a business breakfast, the waitress automatically brings me a cup when I walk in the door and keeps it filled. I am now on my third (and final) cup of the day.

I love creamer. French Vanilla. If I could buy it in a five gallon bucket, I would. I am good, though. I get the sugar free or fat free...never the real deal unless I'm desperate. I also use equal or splenda. I'm not in it for the calories....just the taste and the caffeine. Oh, the caffeine.

You could say coffee is my drug of choice.

Now, let's get to Vitt. My beautiful bad 2 year old. Vitt thinks that every cup is fair game to him. No one is safe when he's thirsty. He touched my cup one day and snatched it back saying "Hot! HOT, Mama!" Good boy. One day he touched the cup and well, it wasn't hot. So Big Boy decided to try it out.

And a monster was born.

I have to guard my cup now. If he can get to it, he will start gulping it down like he's never had anything to drink in his life. That look of ecstasy comes over his features and he does this sweet little "ummmmmmmmm" when he comes up for air.

I don't think so. This is MY addiction. I will not have a 2 year old addicted to coffee. And, no, I'm not buying decaff. Please. This is MY weakness and habit. I need it. I love it. And I'm not giving it up! EVAH.

I'm in the process of designing and making a sling of sorts to keep my cup on my person at all times so he can't get his hands on it. American Inventor watch out. Here I come.

Oh, and as we are setting up our office, I voted we get a coffee maker before we even get the furniture.

This is What Happens

What happens when you are twelve years old and you have the weight of the world on your shoulders?
When everything that everyone does just pisses you off to no end?
When you believe that God made you the only intelligent life form on this earth?
When no one understands the black hole that is your mind?
When no one understands that there is NO GREY!!!! It is all black and white!!!!!
When you have to hate the very air that your mother breathes?
When there is no solution but to dramatically turn and walk to your room and slam the door to drive your point home?
Over...and over....and over......and over.....and over(to infinity) again?

Your door falls off the hinges. That's what happens.


I am so not gonna get it fixed.

Tip for Women

Fart. You know, there's nothing nice about that word. It doesn't look pretty or even sound pretty...and GOD KNOWS it don't smell purtty.

I have discovered something though in my now 35 years. Yeah, I had a birthday last weekend. That means I've been blogging a whole year. Go figure. Never thought I'd make it this far.

Anyway...what I have discovered. By the way...this is for women only. Because we know men just don't care.

I have discovered that if you are shopping in one of those humongous supercenters and you really gotta fart so bad you break into a cold sweat........go to the lawn and garden section. Man, that place smells so bad no one will ever know.

Trust me.